Every now and then, as this pandemic continues to engulf every aspect of our lives, I think, rather naively, that things maybe can’t get any worse. Then, somewhere, the universe cackles in response and spits out some more evil nonsense. Case in point: Boris f**king Johnson.
One of the British PM’s most trusted advisors is Dominic Cummings, a political strategist who was director of the Vote Leave campaign during the Brexit referendum and a man who is typically known for being a conniving, bigoted, bullying puppet master to the most abhorrent aspects of the current Tory nightmare. Also, Benedict Cumberbatch once played him in a Channel 4 drama about Brexit, which was WAY too nice of Channel 4.
This is also the man who was reportedly the leading force behind the British government’s initial COVID-19 policy of herd immunity. The Sunday Times reported that, during a private engagement, Cummings Cummings had claimed that the government’s strategy towards the coronavirus was ‘herd immunity, protect the economy and if that means some pensioners die, too bad’ (10 Downing Street denied this.) A joint investigation by the Daily Mirror and The Guardian dropped last week that alleged that Cummings had driven from London to Durham — a 264-mile journey — despite exhibiting symptoms of the coronavirus. Solid behavior while a F**KING LOCKDOWN IS IN EFFECT, DOMINIC. It was then revealed that Cummings had made a second trip to Durham during lockdown, something he denied until it became impossible for him to do so.
So, why does he still have a job? Because Johnson threw himself on the sword for his advisor in a press conference that was so cringe-worthy that Twitter ended up comparing it to that Prince Andrew interview where he defended his friendship with literal pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
Shock horror, Britain isn’t responding to this in the way that the government was hoping for. You can’t tell people to stay indoors and avoid seeing family and friends for months on end then claim that your own advisor was just being a good father when he broke the rules you put in place. Twitter responded accordingly, with the most surprising response coming from the UK Civil Service
This has just been tweeted from the UK Civil Service account.— Lewis Goodall (@lewis_goodall) May 24, 2020
This is the craziest political weekend for a long time. pic.twitter.com/u4x0i6plHL
That tweet has since been deleted but don’t worry, we all saved the screencap for posterity. I assume that civil servant no longer has a job. Well done, comrade.
If Dominic Cummings is such a genius manipulator of public opinion, why does everyone think he’s a cunt?— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) May 25, 2020
Been told to stop attacking Dominic Cummings and to 'think of the prime minister's mental health'.— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) May 25, 2020
Can we stop using mental health and 'be kind' as a political tool to stop criticism of a government.
A government that is actively endangering our physical and mental health.
So Boris must’ve done something worse that putting his penis inside a pig’s head, because this level of ride or die that he’s doing for Dominic Cummings is unlike anything mentioned in 50 Cent’s 21 questions.— machine gun Kele (@kelechnekoff) May 25, 2020
We thought the best person to reassure everyone that Dominic Cummings was telling the truth would be Gavin Williamson, the man sacked for leaking security information then lying about it.#cummmings— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) May 25, 2020
The current trending hashtag for this story is #cumgate, because dammit, we need all the cheer we can get right now.
If there's a bright side we can take from this, it's that we now have a Prime minister called BJ that is embroiled in #Cumgate. That's it though, that's the only good thing.— Blake AJ (@BlakeAJ1) May 25, 2020
Things are so bad that even other Tory MPs are embarrassed about this. Think about that — these are people who willingly allow themselves to be Tories and THEY’RE humiliated by Boris and Cummings.
Even the Daily Mail are mad about this!
How much does a tory have to fuck up to lose the Daily Mail? This much. https://t.co/CFQi9O0nZW— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) May 24, 2020
The sad thing, of course, is that none of this will matter. Cummings is too crucial to Johnson’s evil to be sacked. Johnson is willing to shred the teeny slivers of credibility he has to keep this creep by his side. Imagine the dirt that Cummings must have on him. It’s not like we don’t know that the PM is a racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, cheating, lying and deeply incompetent buffoon.
But hey, accountability doesn’t exist anymore. The Tories have always lived by one rule for us working-class scum and another rule for the rich and powerful.
Header Image Source: Getty Images.