Morning Briefing: The Results of Our Poll on the Democratic Nominee, and Sam Bee's Hilarious Take on Beto

Good morning! Do we have to go through the Trump/McCain spat? I don’t think we have to go through that, do well? TL;DR: Trump shat on McCain (again), and said that he never got a thank you for giving McCain the funeral he wanted (Trump did not give McCain that funeral. Trump wasn’t even invited). The exact quote:

“I gave him the kind of funeral that he wanted, which as president I had to approve. I don’t care about this, I didn’t get a ‘thank you,’ but that’s OK. We sent him on the way. But I wasn’t a fan of John McCain.”

A smattering of Republicans rebuked Trump for the comments, but most of them said something along the lines of, “McCain is a hero,” without ever mentioning Trump, because they are all terrified of a raving mad man with a diminished IQ and a severe personality disorder.

So, moving on: The results from our poll on who our readers might choose as the Democratic nominee if the primaries were held today are in, and I really am fascinated by the results. Kamala Harris led all comers with 28 percent of the count, followed by Elizabeth Warren with 20 percent, Mayor Pete with 17 percent, Biden with 8 percent, Beto with 7 percent, Bernie with 5.8 percent, and Donald Trump Jr. with 4.6 percent. Thanks, trolls! As Emily put it: “Bitches, how is DJTJ gonna win the fucking DEMOCRATIC primary? Like, even if you thought it was a funny joke that DJTJ is better than any Democrat, what the fuck does that mean for Don Jr.? He’s OK being a betacuck libtard WHO WOULD GO UP AGAINST HIS OWN FATHER just to own the Libs?”

On the one hand, it kind of reaffirms my beliefs about our readership, and while it doesn’t necessarily line up with the rest of the mainstream Democratic party, I like to think our readers are simply more informed and ahead of the curve, which means that, in six months, the opinions of rest of the Democratic party will better align with our poll. Right?

Or, maybe our readers are just more enamored with Mayor Pete’s dogs.

our new album THE SNUGGLE drops soon pic.twitter.com/voYwc8SvLM

— truman and buddy buttigieg (@firstdogsSB) March 20, 2019

I do wonder if our poll is also reflective of other progressive websites? Or social media at large? Or if it is specific to Pajiba.

Anyway, for those still a little behind, Samantha Bee does a quick and funny eight-minute rundown of all the candidates. Her take on Beto is my favorite. He’s first up in the clip.

Meanwhile, the Democratic Party as a whole is actually moving toward more progressive ideas beyond single-payer health insurance, a $15 minimum wage, and climate change legislation. They’re also pushing somewhat more radical ideas like expanding the Supreme Court, eliminating the Senate filibuster, giving statehood to D.C., and eliminating the Electoral College. Those are all big stretches, but hell, Trump got a Muslim ban, so we ought to be able to get at least one of those (eliminating the Electoral College should be first, because it would make the others easier).

As for news about the candidates themselves? Seems like this Joe Biden/Stacy Abrams ticket is actually a real possibility, and his advisors are debating it. There are several pros — having Stacey Abrams on your ticket! — and several cons, namely that it is a gimmick and it might feed into “an air of inevitability.” If I am Biden, I think the pros — having Stacey Abrams on the ticket! — outweigh the cons.

Kamala, meanwhile, is not conceding Texas to Beto. She’s making a weekend visit there to make a play for some of Beto’s delegates. As it stands, Beto and Kamala both have fairly large home-field advantages in very big states, and both could take a big chunk of delegates by winning there.

The Root, meanwhile, has a big piece up on the conundrum of Kamala. It’s worth a read, for sure, but the gist of it is this:

Rejoice and make a joyful noise unto the heavens! We might soon have a black woman president who dances to Cardi B!

Or:

Kamala Harris refers to herself as a “career law enforcement official” in a system that is historically anti-black. As a prosecutor and as California’s attorney general, she routinely defaulted to the side of law enforcement, and now she wants to whitewash her record and use black solidarity as a footstool in her reach for power.

Maybe both things are true.

Perhaps neither of these are true.

The candidacy of Kamala Harris is a conundrum wrapped inside a riddle buried inside a Jamaican beef patty. Rarely has one candidate evoked as many diametrically opposed opinions from the same side.

I think the “career law enforcement official” is the only thing keeping her from dominating the field, but I also think it probably helps her in the general, for better or worse.

Amy Klobuchar — a former prosecutor herself — is trying to contrast her record with Kamala Harris where it concerns the incarceration rates of African Americans, but in doing so, she fibbed. A lot. The Post gave her four Pinocchios.

I know that John Hickenlooper is not much of a consideration for most of you. It should stay that way.

John Hickenlooper, asked if he’d pledge to nominate a woman as vice president if he is the nominee, says, “Of course.” And then adds: “How come we’re not asking the women more often: Would you put a man on the ticket?”

— Matt Viser (@mviser) March 21, 2019

And, after the commercial break, he tells a story about the time he went to see Deep Throat, the 1972 pornographic film…with his mother.

— Matt Viser (@mviser) March 21, 2019

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Finally, unrelated to the world of American politics, New Zealand has banned military-style automatic weapons, less than a week after the mass shooting at two mosques. That’s how it’s done, y’all.