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The 2016 Presidential Candidates As Lord Of The Rings Characters

By Lord Castleton | Politics | February 3, 2016 |

By Lord Castleton | Politics | February 3, 2016 |

Jeb Bush is Treebeard


That dude has the personality of a tree. Also, not great politicians.

Hillary Clinton is Tempted Galadriel


She’s been after the One Ring of the Oval Office for so long, that it has to make her a little nutty. Thank god Courtney has her back in the “love me and despair” department.

Chris Christie is Cave Troll


Because at the end of the day, there’s no problem that can’t be solved by will and yelling and a really really big hammer.

Rick Santorum is Grishnakh


In what world would either of these evil douchnozzles ever be in charge of anyone or anything?

Carly Fiorino is Gollum


Sometimes you feel like you could let your guard down, because you forget that there’s an ocean of primordial hatred under the surface.

Rand Paul is Barliman Butterbur


Because the only people who agree with his platform are hammered.

John Kasich is the food eaten by the Steward of Gondor


That’s some pretty damn good, wholesome looking food. Unfortunately no one seems to notice because a hostile takeover from a spiteful, trumped up brigand is chewing all the scenery.

Ben Carson is Deagol


In the fight for the One Ring, you better not be the nice guy in the river.

Ted Cruz is Grima Wormtongue


Because you have to understand that everything coming out of his mouth is a filthy lie. Also, they both always look mildly diseased.

Bernie Sanders is Gandalf


Because they’re both old as the hills, have crazy white hair, and are able to magically beguile impressionable young hobbits.

Michael Bloomberg is Theoden


Because if he decided to join the fight, the battlefield will look mightily different.

Marco Rubio is Peregrin Took


Aw! Some cute little guy put on his dad’s sword and thinks he’s a fighter. Adorable!

Martin O’Malley is Samwise Gamgee


Because he’s goofy and universally likeable, but somehow not serious enough to be more than a sidekick. (Also, Martin O’Malley is buff as shit, y’all!)

Donald Trump is Sauron


Because bewitching simple minded fools with promises of riches while stealing their souls is pretty much page one for evil necromancers.

Make sure to keep up with the issues, folks! Know where the candidates stand.

Lord Castleton is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.

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