If you want your candidate to seem like a human person, “he bought 100 cans of soup” isn’t it.
So, I don’t quite know how to lead into this any other way than to tell you that immediately after Ted Cruz and his wife Heidi returned from their honeymoon, an event that is for most a one-week sexathon, his first action was to purchase 100 cans of soup.
Just … just let Heidi do her best for a second.
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.
This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”
So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.
Look. The Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer thing is a hilarious internet joke with no basis in reality. THAT SAID, does this not sound exactly like something a serial killer would do? Or a robot? Or an alien with only a moderate understanding of what humans eat and how they exist as people?
I mean, Heidi had to have a “tough conversation” with her husband about SOUP. If that is the tough conversation she feels comfortable talking about in front of television cameras, what must the other tough conversations be? And WHAT EVEN is with her mother? God, Heidi, sorry about Trump’s discussion of your appearance, your weird-ass husband, AND your garbage mother. Jesus. I want to help this woman so badly.
And with this revelation from his former college roommate Craig Mazin…
Ted Cruz thinks people don't have a right to "stimulate their genitals." I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) April 13, 2016
…we can officially dub Ted Cruz the masturbating soup boy candidate.