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Sean Spicer's Tortured Inner Monologue While Trying to Defend Trump's Latest Dangerously Idiotic Statement

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | May 1, 2017 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | May 1, 2017 |

Reporter: The President didn’t just say that he would be open to meeting with Kim Jong-un under the right circumstances …

Sean Spicer’s Inner Monologue: Oh god, please don’t ask what I think you’re going to ask. Please PLEASE PLEASE.

Reporter: … he said he would be honored to meet with him …


Reporter: … this is someone who has starved his own people, someone who has threatened to destroy the United States …

Inner Monologue: You’re going to draw this out, aren’t you, Jonathan? Laying it on thick. You’re going to make this as painful as possible, aren’t you, you cocknugget.

Reporter: … just last week, he put out a video showing the Capitol getting destroyed by North Korean fighters …

Inner Monologue: Oh, you smug little shit. You HAD to take it there, didn’t you?

Reporter: … How could he be honored to meet with Kim Jong-un?

Inner Monologue: DEEP BREATH.

Sean Spicer: Well, the President understands the threat that North Korea poses, and he will do whatever is necessary under the right circumstances to protect our country from the threat they pose.

Inner Monologue: Whew. I did it. I dodged it. I answered the question he didn’t ask. I am SO good at this. Someone beer me immediately. Now, we can just move along. Let me just see if there’s a guy from Breitbart I can call on …

Reporter: How would that be an honor?

Inner Monologue: Oh, you motherfucker.

Sean Spicer: Well, Jonathan, I guess, because he’s still the head of state, um, so, it’s sort of, there’s a diplomatic piece …

Inner monologue: Am I sweating? Can they see me sweating? Jesus, how the hell am I supposed to answer this question? What the fuck, Trump? Why is it I have to stand up here and look like a horse’s ass every time Donald says something idiotic?

Sean Spicer: … The bottom line is, the President is going to do whatever he has to do. Right now, he’s building a coalition in the region to isolate North Korea both economically and diplomatically …

Inner Monologue: Are they buying this? Because I hear myself. I hear how ridiculous it sounds that the President is honored to meet a man he’s trying to ‘isolate’ both economically and diplomatically

Sean Spicer: … to … uh … take that threat down, uh, so …

Reporter: But …

Inner Monologue: Oh, shit. I gotta keep talking so he doesn’t follow up.

Sean Spicer: … so, uh, I, uh, that is his number one priority right now, protecting this country and our people.

Reporter: What did he mean when he called him ‘one smart cookie’?

Inner Monologue: You couldn’t leave it alone, could you, Jonathan? What do you want me to say, Jonathan? I DON’T KNOW. STOP PLEASE GOD STOP I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION WHAT THE HELL JONATHAN I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS JONATHAN

Sean Spicer: Well, I think what he means is …

Inner Monologue: How do I blame this on Obama? Is there ANY WAY. ANY FUCKING WAY?

Sean Spicer: … he assumed power at a young age when his father passed away, and there’s a lot of potential threats that could’ve come his way, and he’s obviously managed to lead a country forward despite the concerns we and so many other people have …

Inner Monologue: Am I talking up Kim Jong-un now? Is that what’s happening? Oh God, I can’t even control my words anymore. I wonder if anyone will even notice. God, this job is the worst. When this is all over, I am going to kill Reince for hiring me. I am going to straight murder him, and for this? Trump better pardon my ass.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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