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President Deals Strikes Again

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | February 12, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | February 12, 2019 |


It appears as though Congress has reached something of a bipartisan budget solution to avoid another government shutdown when the existing continuing resolution expires on Friday. I’m sure that, after shutting the country down for 35 days and costing the economy billions of dollars, Donald Trump somehow amassed all the leverage he needed to get that wall built. I mean, according to Trump at his El Paso speech last night, he’s already started building that wall.

Huh. That’s weird, because there’s nothing in this new budget that says anything about a wall. I mean, there is money set aside for 55 miles of “bollard fencing,” but I’m sure that’s the same thing! And the Mexican border is definitely only 55 miles wide, right? Oh, it’s 2,000 miles wide? That’s weird. Maybe it’s some cool, sci-fi fencing that operates by motion detection, and anytime an undocumented immigrant trips the motion detector, the fence immediately moves itself hundreds of miles into that position, like a creepy guy blocking the door and trying to get a disinterested woman to kiss him before she leaves.


No? Well, at least the deal is better than the one that Democrats offered him as part of a compromise last summer! Wait, what’s that? It’s 10 miles of fencing less than the Democrats originally offered? I’m sure it’s just part of Trump’s 3-D chess game. It’s one of those rope-a-dope strategies, where Trump’s opponents beat him bloody and unconscious, but after the referee counts him out, he’ll wobble back up to his feet and collapse on his opponent’s foot, scuffing his boot! Brilliant strategy! You scuff that boot, Mr. Trump! That’ll show ‘em!

Anyway! So what else is going on today!?

Oh shit.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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