Dear Hillary Haters: Shut the Hell Up About Vince Foster

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | May 5, 2016 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | May 5, 2016 |

You cannot mention Hillary Rodham Clinton on the Internet without some goddamn National Enquirer reading bozo who is either a right-wing lunatic or a Bernie Bro bringing up the name Vince Foster, as though dredging up a 25-year-old death is going to be the goddamn silver bullet that derails the political career of a woman who eats silver bullets for breakfast. With hot sauce.

Shut the fuck up about Vince Foster, you know-nothing nitwits. I’m tired of seeing your ignorance on display in every goddamn Hillary-related Facebook post. You sound like deranged Chemtrail conspiracy theorists who heard something from a racist uncle who read it somewhere in 1994 that a guy most of you have never even heard of was murdered by Hillary Clinton. Over what? Oh, you didn’t research that far, because you couldn’t bother, huh? Because the truth is, for all the crackpot conspiracy theories surrounding the death of Vince Foster, no one can come up with a motive that can withstand the scrutiny of a Bob Loblaw cross examination.

Oh, but you heard from someone else who was talking out of his ass that there was no exit wound from the fatal self-inflicted gunshot, huh? OK, well 1) That’s dumb, 2) That’s completely untrue, and 3) shut the fuck up. What website do you get your information from, and is it all written in Comic Sans?

Hillary Clinton did not kill Vince Foster. She did not hire a hitman to kill Vince Foster. Hillary Clinton did not attempt to cover up the death of Vince Foster. Hillary Clinton was not sleeping with Vince Foster. Hillary Clinton may have attempted to conceal some documents after the death of Vince Foster about firings in the White House travel office, but none of those documents implicated her in the death of one of her closest and most trusted friends.

Vince Foster took his own life. Tragically. Vince Foster was a good man, thoughtful, and sensitive, and like a lot of people thrust into the world of politics, Foster was not cut out for it. He didn’t like the spotlight. He didn’t handle the pressure well. He felt trapped by his position. He was preparing to resign. He was depressed. He’d been prescribed medication for depression the night before, and like so many thousands of people who suffer from depression, Vince Foster committed suicide.

That’s it. That’s the end of the story, no matter what fiction David Brock was paid by conservatives to make-up 20 years ago. Five inquiries and millions of dollars were spent investigating the death of Vince Foster in the years following his death. The Department of Justice investigated, the FBI investigated, the Parks Service looked into it, and two independent counsels investigated, including one by Bill Clinton’s worst goddamn enemy, Kenneth Star. There’s been nary a death in the history of politics that has been as investigated as Vince Foster’s. They all concluded the exact same thing: Vince Foster killed himself. Indeed, a conservative lawyer who spent three years trying to ruin the political career of Bill Clinton concluded, in the end, that all the conspiracy theories advanced by conservative wing nuts were complete bullshit.

And yet, those theories persist, much to the dismay of the wife and family of Vince Foster. They are not only bullshit, but they are hurtful to the real people who loved and admired and respected Vince Foster, a man who had shown signs of depression long before he took his life.

You have a problem with Hillary? That’s fine. Good for you. She’s made plenty of mistakes, and there’s a 40-year record of them to comb over. Pick and choose any number of scandals and mistakes she’s endured (and weathered) during her life to wield against her. But whatever you do, please leave Vince Foster out of your mouths, assholes.