Few things please toddlers more than exploiting loopholes. The list is basically sugar, breaking valuable heirlooms, and burning their parents on a technicality. In that order. That’s enough candy for today, Rainley. No more.
/eats entire tub of ice cream
/morphs into hyperactive toddlernado
/obliterates hand-blown ornamental vase that’s been in the family for nine generations
The smug satisfaction on a kid’s face when they think they’ve found a way around two unpalatable options is damn amusing to a dispassionate observer. Exasperated parents find it too-clever-by-half and wonder aloud what they’ve done to deserve these trials and tribulations. Fortunately, the habit doesn’t last forever. Kids either outgrow it or become lawyers.
In a development that should surprise absolutely no one, butthurt Bernie supporters and all 17 moderate Republicans are trying to borrow a page from the toddler’s playbook to rationalize their avoidance of civic responsibilities. And, spoiler: it’s somehow even more juvenile and unrealistic than how children act.
After an intolerably long primary so batshit bonkers it managed to convince rational Americans that Ted Cruz — a man who murdered over a dozen people in the Bay Area that we know of — was a more acceptable presidential nominee than someone else, we finally have our two nominees: Hillary Clinton for the Democrats, and a rotted, swastika-shaped, spray-tanned placenta for the Republicans.
Here’s where the situation gets tricky (even though this is the easiest presidential choice since Josiah Bartlett ran against Governor Ritchie): many voters who would traditionally support their party regardless of who’s on the ticket dislike these candidates. Hillary Clinton for numerous legitimate reasons that in no way include gender, and Trump because he’s what would happen if Ted Nugent was bombarded with gamma rays while sticking his dick in a bag of Cheetos. So rather than set aside primary grudges or party allegiances and choose the candidate who best represents America’s values — even if it’s not their preferred candidate or one from a party with a different animal mascot — they’re not going to bother pulling the lever on election day.
Cool. That is your right as an American citizen. Our founding fathers froze at Valley Forge and risked execution for treason so you could sit home and throw a temper tantrum. However, choosing this road doesn’t permit you to cast yourself as a principled defender of freedom and personal choice. You’re not standing up to The System™. You’re not the tip of the change-making spear. You’re not sending a message to the Republican Party. You’re a fucking coward giving Donald Trump a legitimate chance to lead the free world.
Barring defeat in the FBI Primary (LOL good one, Bernie Twitter), voter apathy is the only way Bill Clinton isn’t picking out
suitably thick interns drapes by Christmas. Democratic demographic advantages coupled with an opponent who considers women and minorities subhuman parasites means this election is already over. Unless 2016 features record low turnout. See, there aren’t enough high-school educated white men out there for Trump to win, assuming standard voter participation. Since the clone army currently gestating at the White Man Factory Farm won’t be of voting age for another three years, the only chance Trump has to counteract Hillary’s built-in demographic superiority is by ensuring traditional Democratic voting blocs (women, minorities, youngz) don’t hit the booth this November. Which is why not voting (or voting Libertarian, or writing in the name of your dog’s dick) is a vote for Donald Trump. Hear that, BernieorBusters? Staying home because you’re angry $hillary ¢linton and the Democratic e$tblishment stole a primary they won by 4 million votes helps a guy who screams “I told you so” after a terrorist murders 50 people at a bar.
Let’s pause for a minute to honor Bernie’s accomplishments. Sandernistas: helluva run. Seriously. Bernie went up against a Democratic war machine with little more than self-righteousness on his side and created a movement that nearly carried him to the nomination. No hard feelings, Bernie fans. I only enjoy needling you guys around here because it seems like you can take a joke. Speaking of jokes, just kidding about that the previous sentence: you humorless rage-monsters acted like Joffrey when it became clear Bernie couldn’t win and you deserve every ounce of ridicule directed your way. Go knit a dreamweaver.
Nah, I’m still messing with you, BernieBros. Except for the person who called Hillary a cunt on social media. Oh wait that’s all of you.
Bernie ran an impressive campaign and finished a respectable second out of two contenders (that was the last shot, I swear). But the race is over. Hypotheticals aren’t worth the bandwidth they’re transmitted on anymore. BERNIE POLLS BETTER AGAINST TRUMP! No one cares. This could not be less relevant if it were written in Wingdings by an art history major. Elmo polls better against Trump. So does the Philly Phanatic. So does a sentient hemorrhoid who just converted to Islam. Your options are Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Sitting out is a vote for Trump. You can rationalize the decision until the Donstapo throws you in Gitmo-A-Lago for smiling at a Mexican. The reality won’t change.
You think that’s funny, “principled Republicans who refuse to let the party get taken over by racists and bigots?” You’re infinitely more pathetic. Trump is entirely your fault. He’s what happens when a right-wing talk-radio host has a wet dream all over a Brietbart comment section. It’s obvious why the party of personal responsibility doesn’t want to own their grotesque creation, but pretending he’s an outlier fueled by renegade populism is like McDonald’s execs wondering aloud why half the country needs an oxygen tank to walk to the mailbox.
Since Trump became the presumptive nominee, the Beltway media has asked every congressional Republican who matters the following two questions:
What are your thoughts on Trump, White Male Republican Who Believes Many of the Things Trump Says and Supports Deeply Racist, Sexist Policies?
“He’s a bigoted piece of shit grossly unqualified for the presidency, and I’m embarrassed that he’s our nominee.”
So you don’t endorse him?
“Of course I do! Can’t have an incredibly experienced woman in there. She has a vagina, for fuck’s sake. Are we gonna have to call it the Ovary Office now?”
Trump is your combed-over cross to bear, conservatives. Either support him or cast your vote for the other candidate. Bashing Trump because it’s politically expedient while refusing to actually do anything to prevent him from accessing nuclear launch codes isn’t courageous. It makes you just another upright jellyfish too scared to do the right thing even within the confines of a private voting booth. I’m going to write-in Ronald Reagan! That’ll show em! Yeah, it’ll show them that you’re a babbling nincompoop who doesn’t know Ronald Reagan isn’t running for president because he already served two terms and also because he died 12 years ago. Abstinence won’t clear your conscience. Back up your rhetoric or hang the chad for Trump.
Look, I’m somewhat sympathetic to your position, BernieBros and NeverTrumpers. Lament the two-party system. Push for a viable third option. But do so after November. This isn’t the year to get cute or draw ideological lines in the sand. Pissing away your vote on Gary Johnson would be hilarious if Romney or McCain, two deeply conservative but fundamentally competent citizens, were on the other side of the ledger. Trump is a sinister wild card with an 18-wheeler’s worth of despicable actions and statements, such as
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Hillary is far from a perfect candidate. Yet, she is the only serious option in a pivotal election that could very well shape American democracy for the next half century. There is no third way. There are no loopholes. The general is binary. Trump or Hillary. If you want to choose Trump, that’s your right as a citizen. But if you oppose him and what he stands for, actually fucking oppose him and what he stands for. It’s time to grow up, America. Stand behind your convictions or lose your right to complain about the outcome.