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Morning Briefing: Donald Trump's Waffling, Deranged Thought Process over the Last 12 Hours

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | September 14, 2017 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | September 14, 2017 |

So, last night, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer came out of a dinner with Donald Trump under the belief that they had struck a deal to codify the Dream Act into law in exchange for stronger border security (but no money for The Wall). The Associated Press reported it. Lots of other news orgs reported it. Congresspeople reacted, accordingly.

Shortly thereafter, it looked like it came undone, somehow.

You know how Donald Trump always makes decisions based on the last person he spoke to? My guess is that he came to an agreement with Schumer and Pelosi, and then he went back to the White House and Stephen Miller was like, “What the fuck, dude? You just alienated your base! Our Confederate flag waving supporters from Iowa in Congress are furious!”

And then he saw the headline at Breitbart, and he was like, “Oh shit, I pissed off Bannon! What if he primaries me? ”

So, Trump wakes up this morning, and he sees that he’s in a bind. He’s like, “Fuck! The majority of the country wants to save DREAMers, but like 12 percent of the country is racist and they don’t, and they’re more core supporters! Shit, what do I do! I know, I’ll tweet!”

Here he is waffling. The Democrats agreed to increased border security, but now Trump is like, “Shit. I didn’t want ‘increased!’ I meant, ‘MASSIVE border security. Damnit! I got hosed!”

But then he starts selling some line Schumer sold him last night about how we don’t need an expensive wall, because we got fencing, man! And we’ll add more fencing! You’re a practical guy, Don! We don’t need to spend $1000 a square foot for a solar panel wall! We can spend $12 a square foot for chain link fencing that the Mexicans can see through, so nobody drops their drugs on passersby and kills them! Don’t worry, though, Don! We’ll put your face on it. Every 100 feet, it’ll say, ‘The Trump Fence! ”

See? WALL. Fence. Same thing. Potato, potahto!

And then, he’s like, “Man. It’s a real shit deal for the DREAMers. What the hell is wrong with my supporters? I’m a racist old coot, and even I support the DREAMers. Maybe my base will listen to reason!”

He’s like, “Come on, white nationalists! Back me up here! BIG border security! Doesn’t that sound great? You don’t really wanna kick out undocumented Americans, do you? Be reasonable!”

And then his base was like:

And then Trump is like, DAMNIT! What have I done? Coulter hates me. Bannon hates me. Paul Ryan hates me. I just threw Schumer and Pelosi under the bus. I GOT NOTHING. Goddamnit. The Electoral College is a sham! I shouldn’t be here! Hillary won fair and square! I need to talk to someone. Hey, General Kelly. Get me Spicer. Oh wait. No, Preibus. Shit. No. Where’s Bannon? AGH. Do I have any friends left? Where’s Ivanka?!”

“I’m right here, Daddy.”

“Oh, hi sweetie. You look gorgeous tonight. Come over and sit with Daddy.”

“Hi Daddy. You just do what you feel is right, OK? I trust your instincts, and I don’t want to persuade you one way or another.”

“Thanks honey. Thank you for always being there for me.”

Then Ivanka leaves and calls up The Financial Times:

“Some people have created unrealistic expectations of what they expect from me. That my presence in and of itself would carry so much weight with my father that he would abandon his core values … It’s not going to happen.”

I called him “Daddy!” What else do you animals want from me? I’m just trying to sell a handbag here, people!

And then, Trump boards a plane to Florida, but before he does, he says this:

In other words, “Don’t say Amnesty, FAKE NEWS! My racist supporters hate that word! Let’s just go with “DACA.” My supporters barely even know what that means. Don’t worry about it. I’ll just tell them it’s the latest menu item at Burger King. They won’t even know! You know, I could shoot someone in Times Square, and they’d still vote for me, right? But all the same, let’s just keep that word ‘amnesty’ out of your mouths, OK?”

… and scene.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.