Before we get into yet another glaring example of how our government is so goddamn on fire that we might as well hand the whole country back to England and wait for Prince Charles to pat us on the head like a sheepdog that thinks he’s a duck, an anecdote!
Sometime before the 2012 presidential election, I watched in horror as a blood relative shared a meme on Facebook from a country music station, so right off the bat, all signs are pointing to a shit show of gelatinously pale proportions. It read, “We need a First Couple that’s less like Bey & Jay and more like Blake & Miranda.”
So first off, HELLO, YES, THAT IS RACISM.
Second, remind me again what happened to Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s marriage? I seem to have forgotten, except I didn’t, and they got divorced after cheating on each other. Which is odd because they’re both white, country music singers who love guns and America. Was one of them perhaps secretly foreign?
Anyway, for years, I’ve scoured the internet trying to find a copy of the meme with no luck, so I guess even the racist idiot who made it went, “You know what? This is offensive even to me, and I’m presumably in the Klan.” But my point here is that Republicans have a long, sordid history of hating the shit out of Democratic first ladies and accusing them of meddling with their husbands’ serious man jobs, so I’m sure we’re going to hear numerous peeps about Melania Trump literally having deputy national security advisor Mira Ricardel fired over… let’s see here… f**king seating arrangements.
CNN reports. (Emphasis mine):
“It is the position of the Office of the First Lady that (Ricardel) no longer deserves the honor of serving in this White House,” the first lady’s communications director Stephanie Grisham said in a statement on Tuesday.
Her departure would leave national security adviser John Bolton without one of his key allies in the administration, a deputy who has also shared his penchant for bureaucratic infighting.
It was those sharp elbows that sources said led to the first lady’s stinging statement, with Ricardel most recently feuding with members of the first lady’s staff over her trip to Africa. One person familiar with the matter said Ricardel quarreled with the first lady’s staff over seating on the plane.
According to CNN, the first lady’s statement came out of f**king nowhere and caught the White House so off-guard that Ricardel was standing next to Donald Trump at an event when his wife decided it was time to get her Claire Underwood on. Not even Sarah Huckabee Sanders got a heads up, but the move wasn’t entirely surprising either because it turns out Melania has made it very clear that she’s here to drop bodies and dress like Colonizer Barbie. No one is safe including Chief of Staff John Kelly, who’s only just now realizing that our president will drive the entire country off a cliff if it ends with getting his dick touched by a woman who visibly hates him.
From NBC News:
Melania Trump raised concerns with her husband earlier this year, amid the height of the controversy over his alleged affair with porn actress Stormy Daniels, that Kelly had repeatedly denied her requests to promote some of her aides, two White House officials told NBC News.
The requests languished for months as Kelly insisted there weren’t enough available positions for the first lady’s aides to have senior titles, these people said. During this same period, however, West Wing officials working for Kelly received promotions, the White House officials said.
Having learned of the dispute, the president was furious and told Kelly to give the first lady, who has a smaller East Wing staff than her recent predecessors, what she wanted, these people said. “I don’t need this shit,” Trump told Kelly, according to one person familiar with the conversation.
Keep in mind that learning that the president handles his marriage like 99% of men in America is what’s going to prompt Kelly to tender his resignation and not, oh I dunno, say, deliberately tearing children from their families and then hurling the National Guard at the next batch. Just off the top of my head.
But, again, it’s goddamn remarkable that Melania Trump is going Mail Order Cersei on the Executive Branch with nary a titter from Republicans, and yet Civil War II nearly broke out when Michelle Obama ushered in a new era of tyranny and oppression by suggesting, hey, maybe kids should eat more vegetables. It’s four billion years later, and Sarah Palin still won’t shut up about it. According to legend, she’s still out there, randomly appearing in classrooms with a tray of cookies spouting, “F**k a gee golly carrot stick, a dont’cha know.”
In closing, the president’s going to trample democracy to get his shroom wet, and Republicans won’t do a thing about it because, c’mon, it’s not like he’s black.
Header Image Source: Getty