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Jezebel Reporter Anna Merlan's 15 Best Donald Trump Insults

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 28, 2016 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 28, 2016 |

It may be gauche to collect the insults of a writer from another website — the exact sort of thing for which Gawker would gleefully lambast Buzzfeed — but as we are a modestly-sized website with an unpronounceable name, a paltry bank account and a sizable audience of readers who prefer the British Bake Off to political coverage, I doubt anyone will notice. Anyway, it feels more like promotion than aggregation.

Anna Merlan is a reporter for The Slot, the political arm of Gawker’s Jezebel. Because it is her job, she frequently writes about Donald Trump. The substance of most of these Donald Trump articles, however, are preceded by a colorfully insulting nickname for Trump.

There are many people who insult Donald Trump in the Internet. No one does it better than Anna Merlan. She has a very special gift.

Here are 15 examples of her genius. These are all descriptions of Donald Trump.

1. A hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife.

2. A golden goose so loved by God he was transformed into a human man, only the Lord got tired midway through and paused for rest, never to resume

3. A Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch

4. A horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler

5. An unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar

6. Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese

7. A monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam

8. Superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs

9. A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate

10. A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine

11. A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad

12. A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head

13. A bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy

14. A disturbingly old Dennis the Menace impersonator

15. Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites

Source: The Slot

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.