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Is Paul Ryan Hotter With the Beard or Without?

By Grainger Heavensbee | Politics | April 1, 2017 |

By Grainger Heavensbee | Politics | April 1, 2017 |

We still have a ways to go before the annual Pajiba 10 starts revving up, but if I know you you’re already thinking about who, among the plethora of hot celebs on this planet, makes your knees most wobbly and your lions most moist. Obviously, this year, Paul Ryan will be on your list, with his close-set, beady eyes and his face like a sad Muppet and his need for a pick-me-up after the week he’s just had.

But which Paul Ryan is hotter? Bearded or non-bearded? Let’s discuss.


Non-bearded Paul: A perfect Paul to take home to your parents. This is a sensitive Paul, a Paul that needs protecting from any rancid yam demons he may have sold his immortal soul to. Beardless Paul Ryan isn’t afraid to show weakness—you can be his shoulder to cry on as he ponders where, exactly, his life went wrong. Isn’t it hot when a guy is willing to show you his true self, even when his true self is a spineless weasel, devoid of principles or self-respect?

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On the other side, there’s bearded Paul Ryan, for those who like a little edginess in their Republican politicians… you know, above and beyond the “edge” of defunding Planned Parenthood and Muslim bans and Russian interference in the election process and… *fades out, ten minutes* later… lack of meaningful gun control regulations and emboldened hate groups and blatant misogyny. This Paul’s dangerous. Think: mid-day sexual trysts. Maybe (gasp) a little Christian Grey action in the bedroom. If you’re his special lady, and if you’re very, very lucky, one day he may even decide to take away your healthcare.


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