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Is It Ever OK to Spit on the Son of Donald Trump?

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 26, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | June 26, 2019 |


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Eric Trump told Breitbart News this morning that an employee at a high-end cocktail bar spit on him last night. The woman was reportedly taken into custody by the Secret Service and questioned, though there is no word on whether she will be charged. Eric Trump called it a “disgusting act” by someone who has “emotional problems,” and said that the incident “emphasizes a sickness and desperation and the fact that we’re winning.”

OK. I guess we have to go through this whole debate again. Is it ever OK to spit on someone?

When debating a question like this, I often look back toward my legal training at the Boston University School of Law. I look to a principle called “proportionality,” which is the idea that the punishment should fit the crime. What crimes — both moral and legal — has Eric Trump committed and is being spat on by a high-end cocktail waitress proportionate to those crimes.

Let’s take a look:

— Eric Trump diverted money meant for a charity to serve children with cancer.

— This:

— He once said that, if his daughter were subjected to sexual harassment in the workplace, that she should find another job.

— At an Irish bar, Eric and his brother Don said that the “next round is on us,” and walked out without paying.

— Though his father tortures children, separates them from parents, and turns away undocumented immigrants looking to find work in America, Eric Trump continues to hire foreign guest workers at his winery.

— Eric Trump once falsely claimed that his sister Ivanka “has done more for women than probably anyone in Washington, D.C.”

— He once said that those who criticize his father are “not even people.”

— This:

— Oh, and he also actively and strongly supports Donald Trump.

Now, let’s compare those actions to what the woman held in custody reportedly did:

— She spit on Eric Trump.

Hmmmm. I think I might have to get out the calculator for this one.

Proportionality Calculator

5 = 10
2 (x + 1)


Cross multiply:
5 * (x + 1) = 2 * 10

Simplifying
5 * (x + 1) = 2 * 10

Reorder the terms:
5 * (1 + x) = 2 * 10

Remove parenthesis around (1 + x)
5 * 1 + x = 2 * 10
1 * 5 + x * 5 = 2 * 10
5 + 5x = 2 * 10

Multiply 2 * 10
5 + 5x = 20

Solving
5 + 5x = 20

Solving for variable ‘x’.

Move all terms containing x to the left, all other terms to the right.

Add ‘-5’ to each side of the equation.
5 + -5 + 5x = 20 + -5

Combine like terms: 5 + -5 = 0
0 + 5x = 20 + -5
5x = 20 + -5

Combine like terms: 20 + -5 = 15
5x = 15

Divide each side by ‘5’.
x = 3

Simplifying
x = 3

——

Yup! According to my calculations, where x = 3, the woman was totally justified in spitting on Eric Trump. Should any of you encounter Eric Trump out in the wild and endeavor to pelt him with your spittle, please present the above equation to the Secret Service.



Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.


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