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Generic White Guy with Rolled-Up Sleeves Thinks He Deserves to Be the Next President

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | April 9, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | April 9, 2019 |


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Up until yesterday afternoon, there had been 19 folks who had announced — more or less — that they were running for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Among those who had thrown their hat in the ring were a number of distinguished U.S. Senators, a former Housing Secretary, and a couple of former Governors. This is even before Joe Biden — the former Vice President with decades of public service under his belt — has even announced whether he will run.

And then this guy … this guy … decides, “You know what? I think I’m the solution to America’s problems.”

You know what? I barely know who Eric Swalwell is, other than he looks like the love child of a Ken doll and a thumb. He could be a really nice guy who doesn’t remind me of Alex Moffat doing an impression of Eric Trump on SNL. But how do white guys like this — and no offense, but also guys like Tim Ryan, Beto, Seth Moulton, Michael Bennet, Howard Schultz, and yeah, Mayor Pete — come to the goddamn conclusion that they’re going to be the country’s savior? How do they look at Kirsten Gillibrand, Cory Booker, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders, Amy Klobuchar, and Joe Biden and think, “You know what? I — a four-term Congressman from California and a former member of the Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity, who is married to the sales director at the Ritz-Carlton in Half Moon Bay — think I am better positioned to lead this country than a former prosecutor, Attorney General, and current Senator with a Harvard Law degree and 30 years of public service?

Is it the hair? Does the hair give him that confidence? Because I won’t even raise my hand during a Q&A with the director after a movie because I’m worried about taking time away from someone with a better question. And this guy is like, “I used to be in Student Government at the University of Maryland. I should be the next President of the United States!”

This is exactly what I was talking about yesterday. There have been so many white dudes who have been President that now every white guy with a couple of years of public service and some Crest Whitestrips thinks they can be President.

Look: I’m sure Eric Swalwell is a nice guy when he’s not washing his Trans-Am in an ’80s movie, and he’s got a good cause — he’s running on gun control, and he’s got the backing of some of the Parkland activists — but dude. Just because your second wife told you that you could win a Presidential election because you represent the chin-dimple demographic doesn’t mean you can actually win a Presidential election, and the level of presumptuousness from guys like this is galling as hell.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.


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