Here in the great state of Maine, where the fact that we don’t have run-off elections has led to the election of garbage person Paul LePage as Governor not once, but twice, we have a heroin problem. It’s not the kind of heroin problem we see in big cities where heroin grows on heroin trees, but the kind of heroin problem that surfaces when the laws of supply and demand make a state a very attractive to sell one’s wares, in this case heroin. In other words, there’s not a lot of heroin in Maine, so the junk dealers drive up from Boston and NYC to grab some lobster and gouge the good people of Maine by selling smack at triple the price, and because we Mainers are only used to snorting Grade-A, pure snow, that heroin gives us a little too much of a kick and we are kilt.
The number of people who have been kilt by skag in recent times has created large, bold headlines in Times New Romans fonts to be spilled on the pages of our newspapers, which are subsequently thrown into our fireplaces to keep us warm so we don’t die of the cold before the heroin kills us. As a result of these many headlines, our garbage Governor has decided that he needs to open his garbage mouth and say something to the effect of, “All these black drug dealers are filling our white women up with babies.”
No, really. This is what he said out loud with his garbage mouth.
These aren’t people who take drugs, these are guys that are named D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty… [Laughter] These type of guys who come from Connecticut and New York, they come up here they sell their heroin then they go back home. Incidentally half they time they impregnate a young white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue that we gotta deal with down the road.
What’s that issue down the road, LePage? Huh? Is it the fear that these babies who are half white women and half D-Moneys may grow up one day and sell enough heroin to put the pure snow racket out of business?
Source: Portland Press Herald