On the same day that Betsy DeVos made it clear that the president’s Department of Education will no longer tolerate the suffering and hardship that colleges inflict upon alleged rapists, America’s true underdog, Donald Trump decided he couldn’t make it through a Medal of Freedom ceremony honoring Maureen Scalia without noting how impressed he is with how many times Antonin Scalia boned her. And without a condom! Which we all know is the president’s favorite because Trojan has yet to design the perfect Jimmy cap for the mushroom-bedonged gentlemen. It’s like trying to put a sock on a cabinet knob. Sure, you can wrap a rubber band around it, but who has time for that when there’s all this cereal IDing going on?
Anyway, gross mental images aside, here’s the clip, and the hype is real. There is a very clear and visible moment where the President of the United State’s mind realizes, “Wait a minute, nine kids means nine sex times… People need to hear how much I like thinking about this!” And then they do.
However, what everyone failed to mention in their hot takes is the absolutely terrifying moment when Trump takes a break from his weird… slow… butthole-mouth speaking style… and crisply rattles off the names of every single one of Scalia’s kids. ALL F**KING NINE OF THEM. It’s jarring how lucid it is. Maybe I spend way too much time in my pinko liberal enclave, but when Donald Trump speaks, the last thing I expect to hear is a coherent and concise reciting of facts. It’s downright breathtaking in both its unexpectedness and pants-shitting implication that this bastard might actually be aware of what he’s doing.
Trump commends Antonin Scalia for having a lot of sex pic.twitter.com/YKkgw027QA— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) November 16, 2018
So what needs to happens now is you people lie to me and say that every single one of those names is wrong. I’m talking he couldn’t even get the first letter right. In fact, I’m going to Google it now because there’s no way he remembered that many…
Welp, we’re all dead. Good game.
Header Image Source: Getty