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Real Soldiers Have to Deal with Militia Idiots Trying to Shoot Migrant Caravan Because Everything is Dumb

By Mike Redmond | Politics | November 5, 2018 |

By Mike Redmond | Politics | November 5, 2018 |


As most Americans make preparations to spend an entire day stuffing our gullets to the point of bursting then absconding into the night to fight each other over consumer electronics, a migrant caravan full of families like the one above are walking on foot through Mexico with barely anything but the clothes on their back. It was either the arduous trek, that’s still 750 miles away from the U.S. border, or remain in their home countries where they face almost certain death thanks to blowback from America’s failed drug war. But surely a Christian nation with a godly-appointed president will follow the example of Christ and welcome these families with open arms, especially as we near the holiday season of His birth.

Nope. We’re going to try and shoot the shit out of them in every way possible.

You see, not only are 15,000 troops (Yup, it’s that high now.) headed to the border to face the clearly dire threat of tired, unarmed brown people on foot, but right-wing militia groups are grabbing their guns and entering the mix thanks to the president’s asshole rhetoric. It’s not like there’s a recent example of that ending badly, amirite?

Unsurprisingly, defense officials are not exactly thrilled at the prospect of armed f**king morons entering a fraught situation that has already seen Donald Trump openly advocating the committing of war crimes before tucking his mushroom-dong between his legs and walking those comments back. According to planning documents obtained by Newsweek, the Defense Department is warning military commanders to expect a pain in the ass from armed assholes more than the caravan because, surprise, barely 20% of the migrants are projected to even make it to the border.

The assessment underscored news reports that combatant commanders might encounter unregulated militia members along the southern border in alleged support of U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents.

“Estimated 200 unregulated armed militia members currently operating along the southwest border. Reported incidents of unregulated militias stealing National Guard equipment during deployments. They operate under the guise of citizen patrols supporting CBP [Customs and Border Protection] primarily between POEs [Points of Entry],” according to the documents.

“Unregulated armed militia.” Why does that sound familiar?

A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

Is it me, or did the Department of Defense just call into question the constitutional validity of letting any armed Cletus run around with an assault weapon? Because it sure sounds like it, and I’m guessing it has a lot to do with these morons having zero clue how anything works. From Newsweek:

“We believe our nation is under attack by foreigners who refuse to accept the rule of law on how to become a citizen in the United States,” [Minutemen Project National Political Director Howie] Morgan said.

Asked whether he believes that applies to migrants who arrive at official ports of entry at the border to make asylum claims through the U.S.’s long-standing legal process, Morgan said he believed Central Americans should make those claims “in their own country.”

“Instead of following the rules, they are using our nation’s laws as a shortcut to get in front of the line,” Morgan claimed.

If you read all of that and immediately thought, “Nope, none of that is right,” congratulations, you’re smarter than a gun-humper.

To obtain asylum through the U.S.’s affirmative asylum process, however, asylum seekers must be “physically present in the United States,” according to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services Agency. Asylum seekers also are eligible to apply for asylum regardless of how they arrived in the country or what their current immigration status is.

On top of the U.S. military’s lack of enthusiasm for Y’allqaeda assistance, local residents would also prefer that dumbasses with guns stay the hell home before they dumb shit up with their dumbass guns. From the Washington Post:

“I will not let militia on my land,” Kruse said. “They’re civilians stepping into a situation where the Border Patrol is supposed to be in control and make decisions. They could damage property or harm workers. I would guess they would be trigger-happy. If they shot someone, they might just say the person they shot was reaching for a gun.”

“The militia just needs to stay where they are,” said Metz, a Republican. “We don’t need fanatical people. We don’t need anybody here with guns. Why do they have guns? I have dealt with illegals for 30 years, and all of them have been scared, asking for help. The militias need to stay up north where they belong. We have no use for them here. They might shoot someone or hurt someone.”

Sage words — for a couple of real Nazis!

In its call to action for supporters to make their way to the southern border, the Minuteman Project tells members: “Remember, defending your nation’s sovereignty and its heralded stature as ‘a nation of laws’ does not make you a racist, a bigot, a xenophobe, a Nazi, a fascist… or any of the various epithets commonly used by our adversaries to falsely deface our patriotic virtue.

“The real fascists and xenophobes are those who openly hate us because we love our country just as we love our families and our communities,” the message continued.

“Now let’s arm ourselves to the f**cking teeth and shoot at people who don’t look like us. But not in a racist way!”

Header Image Source: Getty