Goddammit, Chick-fil-A

By Mike Redmond | Politics | March 25, 2019 |

By Mike Redmond | Politics | March 25, 2019 |

As the Mueller Report rockets into Washington and highlights the ever-present fact that our democracy is a roaring shit-fire visible from Mars, I thought now would be a good time to litigate my lazy, slovenly love of homophobic chicken sandwiches that I can order from my phone with bare minimum human interaction. We all had our dreams for the future, this was mine, minus the Jesus-flavored bigotry.

So real quick, let’s address an aspect of the 2012 Chick-fil-A culture war that Republicans have conveniently memory-holed, but I will never forget because it did two things that I love: Exposed evangelical Christianity’s wanton greed and eased the amount of guilt I experience every time fried chicken goes into my mouth. You see, while dipshits like Sarah Palin and the orange rape-mushroom occupying the Oval Office continue to act like they’re owning the libs by horfing down Chick-fil-A at every opportunity, they conveniently forget how the original skirmish actually ended:

Chick-fil-A fucking folded.

In the face of losing lucrative placements on college campuses, the openly Christian company bowed down before the one it serves and agreed to stop donating to anti-gay groups.

Via Buzzfeed (emphasis mine):

“The Chick-fil-A culture and service tradition in our restaurants is to treat every person with honor, dignity and respect - regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender,” the company said in a July attempt to tamp down protests.

Just so we’re clear, when its “godly” principles were put to the test, Chick-fil-A threw that shit right under the bus, stuck its greedy little hand out, and went “Money, please!” That’s the company conservatives are holding up as a paragon of moral fortitude. And here’s the thing, Chick-fil-A mostly stuck to their word. Kind of.

In a new report from ThinkProgress, Chick-fil-A gave $1.8 million to anti-LGQBT groups in 2017 despite promises to “wind down” those kind of donations with the exception of the Salvation Army.

The donations — $1,653,416 to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, $6,000 to the Paul Anderson Youth Home, and $150,000 to the Salvation Army — actually represent a slight increase from the previous year. The foundation’s funding comes almost entirely from the corporate treasury and shares leadership with the company.

The Fellowship of Christian Athletes is a religious organization that seeks to spread an anti-LGBTQ message to college athletes and requires a strict “sexual purity” policy for its employees that bars any “homosexual acts.” Paul Anderson Youth Home, a “Christian residential home for trouble youth,” teaches boys that homosexuality is wrong and that same-sex marriage is “rage against Jesus Christ and His values.”

Well, goddammit.

So here’s where I’m asking for the Pajibans in the comments to call me out, because I genuinely want to know if I’m causing harm to the LGBTQ community by frequenting Chick-fil-A, which I do. And I’ll explain my reasons why with the expectation that they’ll probably fall short and sound lazy as hell.

1. I have kids, and we try our best to keep fast food to a minimum— Actually, I don’t know why I say smarmy shit like that. Parenting is hard. If McDonald’s or wherever is how you get food in tiny mouths, there is no shame in that. At all. You do what you gotta do to get through the day. In our case, there’s always one night a week where something runs long, or we’re exhausted from the rigmarole of… everything, so we knock out some Chick-fil-A.

2. I used to manage the local Applebee’s. In a nutshell, it blew giant riblet dicks, and the franchise owner was an asshole who didn’t cover health insurance for managers who were putting in 60-70 hours a week on salary. Fun times. Anyway, when our town got a Chick-fil-A, some of the Applebee’s kitchen folk who had been there over a decade bounced over. They couldn’t be happier. They’re treated well and guaranteed a Sunday off. Then again, I’m only just now realizing that elevating the working class over marginalized groups is why our country is spectacularly fucked at the moment, so maybe this part was a mistake. Sonofabitch.

3. Their coffee is surprisingly good for fast food coffee. No, don’t include this, you moron.

There’s the simple truth, and again, I sincerely want to know if I’m causing damage to LGBTQ Americans. Or is every capitalistic transaction crushing somebody somewhere, and there’s only so much one person can do? Sure, a restaurant owned by massive homophobes gets my money, but at the same time, their food gives me the energy to rail against their bigotry. Is that a wash, or I’m just reaching for a cop-out? Light me up if that’s the case.