Through all of the horrifying laws being floated in state legislatures and Congress to police women’s bodies and deny them of their human right to reproductive liberty, it’s good to know that way up north the Canadians empathize with our pain and frustration. The Burrard Street Journal, a Canadian satirical news website, ran a painfully real piece entitled “Female Legislators Unveil ‘Male Ejaculation Bill’ Forbidding The Disposal Of Unused Semen” to expose an obvious gendered double standard in laws around reproductive rights, and seriously, how are we not talking about this?
A perfect excerpt from the piece:
“A group of leading female legislators have enacted a new bill that forbids American men from disposing of ‘unused’ sperm, requiring them to bring any recreational semen to a nearby fertility clinic.
According to noted alternative facts specialist, Stephanie Yorke, sperm is intended for “procreation only” and not to be “wasted” on pleasure:
‘Any sperm not being used for the purpose of procreation must be immediately donated to a sperm bank,’ Yorke warned. ‘Failure to do so will lead to hefty fines and ultimately, incarceration, under the new Level Playing Field Bill.’
Such regulations only appear obviously ridiculous because they restrict male autonomy, upheld as sacred in our society, whereas restrictions that essentially do the same thing to women are commonly accepted. Meanwhile, forcing men to reserve their semen solely for procreation sends the same message that barring women’s access to birth control and pulling out all the stops to slowly unweave Roe v. Wade and get rid of abortion rights do: that sex has a singular purpose, and that is making babies. However, in reality, laws restricting the right to have sex not for the purpose of making babies only exist for women, a situation better represented by this single work of satire than a thousand eloquent think-pieces.
The article proves that sometimes fake news can be as real as it gets. Or at least in this case, far more real than the misleading bullshit often male, Republican legislators market their anti-woman laws with. I mean, seriously, we’re supposed to believe expensive regulations deemed entirely unnecessary by the medical community, known to shut down clinics offering abortion by the dozen are meant to “keep women safe”? That women with unwanted pregnancies seeking abortion are mentally disturbed people who require mandated counseling and waiting periods? That fertilized eggs are human beings that deserve more rights than women? Obviously we all need a dose of fake news now and then if for no other reason than to bring us back to reality.