Before we begin, I should disclose a few things. First and foremost, I will never not find Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci hilarious. In this long, twisted snuff film that we’re all trapped in, he’s a goddamn ray of comedic relief. Sure, he’s tongued the president’s ass all the way up until, well, 48 hours ago, but The Mooch fancies himself the Ari Gold of politics, which leads to spectacular train-wreck interviews where he becomes oddly fixated on not sucking his own dick. If you’re going to provide cover for Emperor Mango SexCrime, there are worse ways to do it than being a ridiculously on-the-nose Italian New Yorker stereotype. Which is why I tried to work for the Scaramucci Post in the Fall of 2017, and for the sake of transparency, I will include that application process here.
Let me tell you about my dick: I've never once sucked it.— Mike Redmond (@theredmond) September 13, 2017
DM me to talk salary.
Really thought I had that one.
Anyway, as I mentioned before, The Mooch has been one of the president’s most dedicated sycophants, to the point where he literally burst onto the scene talking about how Donald Trump can land three-pointers and dunks on Jordan or some shit. No one has ever accused Trump of being any sort of athlete whatsoever, yet here’s this used car salesman in stunners saying the president can throw a perfect spiral. It was goddamn insane, and I loved every second of it. Unfortunately, The Mooch’s time only lasted a scant 11 days. But even after being instantly splattered on the windshield of the Racist Talk Express, he continued to suck the president’s dick — but never his own! Never, ever his own, you motherless cannoli.
However, The Mooch committed an unforgivable sin last week when he told Chris Matthews that the president’s visits to Dayton and El Paso in the wake of back-to-back mass shootings were a disaster. Which is probably the most generous thing one can say about a trip where a smiling Trump and FLOTUS posed with a captive infant like it just won the county fair for Cutest Baby Orphaned By a MAGA-Hat Terrorist.
“The facts are he did not do well on the trip, because if the trip is being made about him and not the demonstration of compassion and love and caring and empathy for those people, then it becomes a catastrophe for him, the administration, and it’s also a bad reflection on the country,” Scaramucci said.
In The Mooch’s defense, this wasn’t his first shot at the president. He surprisingly put his stugots on the line by calling Trump’s recent attacks on The Squad “racist and unacceptable” back in July, but apparently going on Hardball and criticizing the president’s tone-deaf photo ops was a bridge too far. Also, it didn’t require reading, so that actually answers a lot of questions right there.
…..other than the fact that this Administration has probably done more than any other Administration in its first 2 1/2 years of existence. Anthony, who would do anything to come back in, should remember the only reason he is on TV, and it’s not for being the Mooch!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 11, 2019
Welcome to World War Mooch, motherf*cker. Better not suck your own dick.
For the record, never forget that The Mooch was Donald Trump’s biggest and most enthusiastic cheerleader while children were forced to drink out of toilets and the president wiped his ass with the rule of law. The Mooch would’ve let the Trump Train drive over his own face if it resulted in the president giving him a single thumbs up. But what The Mooch won’t stand for is being insulted on Twitter, so now he’s on a mission to knock Trump off of the Republican ticket for 2020. The “I don’t suck my own dick” guy is somehow going to get the GOP in line.
“We are now in the early episodes of ‘Chernobyl’ on HBO, where the reactor is melting down and the apparatchiks are trying to figure out whether to cover it up or start the clean-up process,” Scaramucci said.
“A couple more weeks like this and ‘country over party’ is going to require the Republicans to replace the top of the ticket in 2020.”
Scaramucci, who has given hundreds of thousands of dollars to Republican candidates, including Trump’s 2016 campaign, said that if Trump “doesn’t reform his behavior, it will not just be me, but many others will be considering helping to find a replacement in 2020.”
Surprisingly, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham gave Axios an official response to The Mooch’s comments, and this is 100% real.
“It sounds like his feelings are hurt.”
Just so we’re all clear, that was the highest office in the land basically responding “TRIGGERED” to a political opponent. We’re all going to die.
In the meantime, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a rebuttal for The Mooch because, again, he missed out on a valuable hiring opportunity.
“Hey, how you doin’?
I stand before you today to address my recent comments on the president and his unfortunate attacks on my character. First off, Donald Trump needs to know that I don’t back down from a fight. Even if that fight is sucking my own dick, which I have never done, so please quote me on that. I will pay you large sums of money. Second, the president should probably be aware that my brother Luigi and I often travel down pipes to battle a spiked dinosaur who keeps stealing this broad I’ve been seeing on the side. She’s a tasty pizza pie-a!
So if Trump thinks for one second that I’m going to come crawling back and suck on his ass like it’s a golden f*cking tuba again, well, he should have a conversation with the dead turtle stuck to my shoe. Mamma Mia!
I watch full episodes of The Sopranos on the can. Mooch out.”
Header Image Source: Getty