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A Super Tuesday Prayer Circle for the Swift Eradication of Donald Drumpf

By Courtney Enlow | Politics | March 1, 2016 |

By Courtney Enlow | Politics | March 1, 2016 |

You know me around these here parts as your friendly neighborhood heathen feminist liberal monster and probable witch. But it might surprise you to know that I was born and raised in the Catholic Church and in fact attended Catholic school from kindergarten through high school. This means a few important things: 1) I know how to roll a skirt with the best of them and fold my shirt tail so it looks tucked in. 2) I know how to pray. And, my people, we need some prayers.

Today is Super Tuesday. You can tell by its name it is quite important. Primary elections are being held today in Alabama, Alaska, American Samoa, Arkansas, Colorado, Georgia, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Virginia and Wyoming. The candidates selected today are likely to win their party’s nominations and could feasibly find themselves in the White House.

You already know how terrifying that prospect is. We have a frighteningly possible possibility of either Donald Drumpf or the Zodiac Killer ending up our President.

If you’re like me, this slow burn of reality has changed the way you view the entire country. It is one thing to know terrible humans exist; that many, many people in this country are racist, homophobic, transphobic, classist, and cruel. That they believe and support things that would affect, even destroy the lives of our own citizens. It’s another thing entirely to see the numbers. Because this is no longer a matter of “some people may have a different political opinion than I do, but that does not make them bad people.”

I’m saying this now: if you support Donald Drumpf, you’re a bad person.

The absolute necessity of voting this year cannot be overstated, and not just in the presidential election. Local elections are just as and probably far more important.

So, we need to pray. To new gods, old gods, demigods, the Doctor, Beelzebub, Beetlejuice, Bea Arthur, WHOEVER. We need to band together and put a call out to the universe that we are saved.

For this, we offer our petitions. Our Prayers of the Pajiba Faithful. To be wholly inclusive, I’ve selected a nondenominational figure as recipient. May she pass the prayers along to the higher power of her or any choosing.

For all those in authority, that they would govern wisely and fairly, we pray to the Lorde. Lorde Hear Our Prayer.


For those guys I was just talking about in that petition just a quick second ago, that they know I mean “wisely and fairly” means “stop fucking shit up,” we pray to the Lorde. Lorde Hear Our Prayer.


For all people to go to the bathroom that reflects their identity without it being a whole thing already, goddamn, just let people shit and be cool for a fucking second, we pray to the Lorde. Lorde hear our prayer.


For it not to be controversial to say “police officers shouldn’t murder black people,” we pray to the Lorde. Lorde hear our prayer.


For our bodies to be as free of governmental interference as our guns and for our guns to be anywhere near as legislated as our bodies, we pray to the Lorde. Lorde hear our prayer.


For Donald Drumpf, Ted Cruz, and anyone else who would bring about the complete and total devastation of the rights or quality of life currently shared by our American citizens and stand in the way of getting the equal rights and quality of life they actually deserve, we pray to the Lorde that they are kept far, far, far away from the Oval Office. Please. Lorde hear our prayer.