I’m not going to lie; I cannot bring myself to watch the Republican debates. No worries, within minutes of a candidate saying something, those words are flying past you on social media and Google news, and last night in particular, those words were quite …entertaining? Insane? Incredible? Let’s go with the latter, because as I read them, my mouth dropped open. Hillary already posted the best reaction to the nonsense, but we should probably gather some of the night’s best quotes so we can get a true picture of what the Republicans are dealing with. While I can’t exactly blame Mitt Romney for doing his best to get Trump blocked, that idea is — at the same time — terrifying, because if the choice is between Cruz and Rubio…well, I can’t even finish that sentence. The Republican choices are TERRIFYING, and I don’t know how better to demonstrate that than by laying out a few sound bites from last night’s debate. These are actual words Rubio, Cruz and Trump (Kasich was there, too) said, as transcribed by news outlets.
1. The Yoga Chronicles.
Cruz to Trump: “Donald, please, I know it’s hard not to interrupt. Breathe, breathe, breathe. You can do it, breathe, I know it’s hard, I know it’s hard.”
Rubio interjects: “When they’re done with the yoga, can I answer a question?”
Cruz: “I really hope that we don’t see yoga on this stage.”
Rubio: Well, [Trump’s] very flexible so you never know.”
Let’s file that under things we never needed to know.
2. Trump, on Eventually Disavowing David Duke and the KKK.
“You know, it’s amazing. When I do something on Twitter, everybody picks it up, goes all over the place. But, when I did this one nobody ever picks it up. Take a look at my Twitter account.”
3. Let’s Call This One: Never Miss an Opportunity.
After Rubio is questioned on having said he doesn’t do personal attacks, the candidate excuses his recent turnaround on Trump by mentioning all Trump’s personal attacks on the stage. But, the Don wanted to point out what Rubio missed, and kinda-sorta apologize after a little crowing.
“Well, I also happened to call him a lightweight, OK? And I have said that. So I would like to take that back. He is really not that much of a lightweight.”
4. Bickering over Who’ll Beat Hillary Clinton.
Trump: “… And, I’m at 49, so when he says 75 percent, that would mean that 80 percent of the people don’t dig you, and I’m back down to 50…”
Rubio: “Of all the people on this stage, he performs the worst against Hillary Clinton.”
Rubio: “If you’re our nominee, we will lose…”
Trump: “I beat Hillary Clinton. I beat Hillary Clinton in many polls…”
Rubio: “You lose by (inaudible) points. She will wipe you out.”
Trump: “I beat Hillary Clinton in many polls.”
Rubio: “If you’re our nominee.”
Kelly: “Hold on, Senator, hold on…”
Trump: “I think I’m talking…”
Rubio: “Oh, excuse me…”
Trump: “I beat Hillary Clinton”
Kelly: “Hold on, hold on, hold on.”
Trump: “I hope you think (inaudible)…”
Kelly: “The audience cannot understand when you’re talking over each other. Finish your point, Mr. Trump.”
Trump: “I beat Hillary Clinton in many polls. The Cue poll just came out. I beat Hillary Clinton in a recent Fox poll, I beat Hillary Clinton in USA Today, I beat her today in a poll in Ohio. I beat — I’m the only one that beats Hillary Clinton.
I beat — and I have not started on Hillary yet. Believe me, I will…start soon. I haven’t even started.”
*pictures the candidates grabbing their toys and stomping out*
5. Little Marco, Big Don.
After Trump failed to answer the question about moving his clothing companies out of Mexico and China, this exchange happened.
Wallace: “I have a policy question for you, sir.”
Rubio: “Let’s see if he answers it.”
Trump: “I will. Don’t worry about it, Marco. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it little Marco, I will.”
Rubio: “All right, well, let’s hear it big Donald.”
Trump: ” Don’t worry about it, little Marco.”
Wallace: “Gentlemen. Gentlemen.”
6. My Dick Is So Big, They Will Do As I Say.
On Military Experts Saying U.S. Forces Would Refuse to Carry Out Trump’s Illegal Orders to Use Extreme Interrogation Methods or Target Terrorists’ Families.
Baier: “So what would you do, as commander-in-chief, if the U.S. military refused to carry out those orders?”
Trump: “They won’t refuse. They’re not going to refuse me. Believe me.”
Baier: “But they’re illegal.”
Trump: “Let me just tell you, you look at the Middle East. They’re chopping off heads. They’re chopping off the heads of Christians and anybody else that happens to be in the way. They’re drowning people in steel cages. And he — now we’re talking about waterboarding.
This really started with Ted, a question was asked of Ted last — two debates ago about waterboarding. And Ted was, you know, having a hard time with that question, to be totally honest with you. They then came to me, what do you think of waterboarding? I said it’s fine. And if we want to go stronger, I’d go stronger, too, because, frankly…that’s the way I feel. Can you imagine — can you imagine these people, these animals over in the Middle East, that chop off heads, sitting around talking and seeing that we’re having a hard problem with waterboarding? We should go for waterboarding and we should go tougher than waterboarding. That’s my opinion.”
Baier: “But targeting terrorists’ families?”
Trump: “And — and — and — I’m a leader. I’m a leader. I’ve always been a leader. I’ve never had any problem leading people. If I say do it, they’re going to do it. That’s what leadership is all about.”
Baier: “Even targeting terrorists’ families?”
Trump: “Well, look, you know, when a family flies into the World Trade Center, a man flies into the World Trade Center, and his family gets sent back to where they were going — and I think most of you know where they went — and, by the way, it wasn’t Iraq — but they went back to a certain territory, they knew what was happening. The wife knew exactly what was happening.
They left two days early, with respect to the World Trade Center, and they went back to where they went, and they watched their husband on television flying into the World Trade Center, flying into the Pentagon, and probably trying to fly into the White House, except we had some very, very brave souls on that third plane. All right?”
So wait, Trump will order the United States Military to commit war crimes, and they will — as Nike would say — just do it?
7. Big Hands, I Know You’re the One.
And of course, this is Trump again (John Oliver recently had a field day with this) referring back to the Graydon Carter “short-fingered vulgarian” swipe, which apparently Trump will never ever get over.
“Look at those hands. Are they small hands?
He referred to my hands, ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.
He [Rubio] hit my hands. Nobody has ever hit my hands, I’ve never heard of this. What?”
Cruz: “Megyn, let me just ask the voters at home: Is this the debate you want playing out in the general election?”
You guys, we need to dig deeper into this Canada thing.