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The Donald Trump Translatornomitron 3000
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The Donald Trump Translatornomitron 3000

By Ursula Scully | Politics | August 9, 2017

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I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m a foreigner. And in between taking yer jerbs, taking yer freedoms, and using up all the affirmative actions, I thought it would be nice of me to use my amazing translation abilities and help you decode the statements of your dearest leader. Let’s take a look at some of the things he’s said.

“Never in U.S. history has anyone lied or defrauded voters like me, but I will project all my failures onto others and no one will notice.”

“Only 9s or 10s, body fat lower than 20%, and my advisors said up to 35 years old, but I’m leaning towards capping at 30.”

“My phone lets me type pictures! Weeeeeeeee!”

“Ivanka put me on a diet and I am so hungry.”

“I’m taking credit for what the black guy did, because that’s the greatest American tradition of all time.”

“This place is a dump, my focus is best exemplified by that dog from UP, let’s see what’s on the teevees.”

“I know this for a fact because I’ve impersonated a publicist named John Baron and John Miller, and have an imaginary friend named Jim who doesn’t like Paris.”

“My son is useless and a huge disappointment to me. I wonder if that cloning tech is up and running because I’d like three more Ivankas.”

“No wins. No winning anywhere. Sad. Maybe Barron will play Monopoly with me tonight.”

“Someone just explained to me what the word ‘civilian’ means. If I use it in a sentence, I think I will get an extra scoop of ice cream today.”

“I have been sued over 3,500 times! That’s very many times! I am so good at this!”

“I will be live tweeting…the demise of the American democracy.”

“Obama loves to play golf, and Carter loves to build houses. And not even good houses. No gold or marble. SAD!”

“…”

“…”

This one is 100% accurate and needs no translation services.

Do you want to play along? Go here to get a random tweet from Trump, and use your own Translatornomitron 3000 to uncover the true meaning.

Ursula lives in Chicago and is preparing for WWIII by hoarding potatoes. You can follow her here.