Way way back in 1993, before there were fancy things like “the internet” or “cellular telephones” or “reality television” we used to huddle up in masses and watch movies. At something called a “movie theater.” And in those days there were few people in the world as captivating as this man.
So when that man offers you a million dollars for one night with your wife? What to do? What can you do when you’re on the edge of a financial implosion and you can actually peer down over the cliff and see your dreams being sucked away. What would a million dollars cure at that point? What would a million dollars protect? Here’s a quick 5 second synopsis of the movie Indecent Proposal, in case you never watched it.
Now, we’re in 2015 and the world is a much better place. Not only do we have modern things like “Uber” and “Miley Cyrus nip slips” and 41 reboots of Spider Man but we also have simple, basic pleasures like “HGTV” and of course, “Cap Ass.”
And let’s be honest. A million dollars isn’t what it was in 1993. I couldn’t find a graph that goes from ‘93 to 2015, but you get the idea. A million dollars doesn’t buy what it used to, and there are more millionaires in the world.
But I’m not one of them. Are you?
How hard has the current, seemingly endless ‘financial crisis’ hit you and yours? How much would a measly million dollars help you right now? This is a capitalist society. Is this type of proposal actually still “indecent”?
Add to that the fact that there was a lot more sexual repression in 1993 than there is now. We hadn’t coined the terms “baby mama” or “fuck buddy” or “booty call” back then. People are thankfully much more relaxed about their sexuality. But the line of marriage still remains nearly as much of a hard and fast boundary as it was back then.
Indecent Proposal was not a good movie. It was, frankly, a schlocky film with a paper thin premise. But I do like the conversations it kicked off. The fact of the matter was that they could have made it awesome by changing one simple word.
That’s called raising the stakes, people! Instead of making this a yawner about poor little Demi Moore who has to agree to a night with Don Juan, the ultimate lover, we start playing with gender roles. We start making people think a little bit. What if it’s not Robert Redford? What if it’s this dude?
All of this is easy to scoff off because these people are a thousand years old now. But let’s just recast this movie for 2015. Let’s say the Robert Redford character is…
And he’s like, “I’ll give you a million dollars to sleep with your husband.” And you know there’s a pretty good chance your husband is going to end up in this dress:
And he’s going to be rolling around on a bed of money like this:
And then he’s going to have Chris Pine opening doors for him and holding umbrellas for him and whispering in his ear that he smells like vanilla and shoe leather as Chris Pine does this to him.
My question is: Do you take that mon-ey?
Maybe it’s not Chris Pine. Maybe it’s Tom Hardy and he wants the wife. Maybe it’s Oscar Isaac and he wants to cut you a little, too. Maybe the young couple in the 2015 version is this gorgeous double-ray of sunshine…
… and they’re just destitute, and Logan Lerman is going to die without an operation on his gall bladder. They can’t pay the bills and then Frank from Always Sunny comes along and offers a million dollars to sleep with Emma.
Hang on, I have to take a chem shower. OK, all better.
You know, in all seriousness, I’ll bet people have already offered a million dollars to sleep with Emma. I’d pay like a hundred bucks to go through the same revolving door as her and have her barely glance at me through the insulated glass. That seems like a solid investment to me.
I’m telling you that as soon as this gets published, it’s going to be read by some lazy studio exec who will think “y’know what….that’s just crazy enough to work.” So don’t let them mess this up. You tell me. Who are the players in the 2015 Indecent Proposal? And how much would it take for someone to sleep with your husband? I’m uh…asking for a friend.