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A Thorough Breakdown of the Worst Sex Advice In Cosmo History

By Vivian Kane | Pajiba Dirty Talk | February 9, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Pajiba Dirty Talk | February 9, 2016 |

In the last couple of years, Cosmopolitan Magazine has been going the way of Playboy, in that they’re both making it really hard to use their names as the punchlines they once were. Playboy has become political as f*ck, and Cosmo, well, they haven’t completely rebranded, but they have a pretty awesome empowerment slant to a lot of their stuff, and they were one of the only large media outlets talking about the Daniel Holtzclaw trial, which will earn them eternal and infinite karmic bonus points until the end of time, as far as I’m concerned.

And yet. If Cosmo is going to do away entirely with their reputation for pointless, redundant, and stupidly ineffective sex advice columns, well… they’re going to have to actually do away with them. I remember that growing up, my friends and I read pre-teen magazines (Tiger Beat, Teen Beat, all the beats, really) as elementary schoolers, Seventeen as pre-teens, and Cosmo in high school. Because even then I knew that the magazine’s sex advice could be nothing but laughable for anyone who was actually having sex. But even having known that at such a young age, they’ve clearly outdone themselves. Behold, from the magazine that has spent decades telling you that running a feather over your man’s nether-regions is the height of sexual creativity, the worst sex advice I have personally ever seen. Broken down slide by slide, because after two years on this site, I definitely still don’t know what constitutes copyright infringement, Cosmo’s 16 Homemade Sex Toys You Need to Try.

1. Spoons

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I should have warned you. I had been warned by the person who sent me this list* that I probably wouldn’t make it past slide one without needing a break from laughing too hard. They were right.

Chill metal spoons in the freezer for a couple of hours and then glide them over each other’s skin.
I can almost understand this one, since while New England is in the middle of a snowstorm, I feel like a total asshole complaining about my Los Angeles sunburn. But seriously, in our 90 degree February heat wave, I can— again, ALMOST— appreciate an icy spoon. ALMOST.

2. An electric toothbrush

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To be fair, this is the face of a woman having an electric toothbrush inserted into her.

3. A comb & hairbrush
When the sex advice is “Run a comb or a soft bristle brush over his butt cheeks,” you know you’re being trolled by a preteen child, right? That can’t possibly have been written be an adult who has ever even had sexual experiences?

4. Gloves.
The only sexy story I have of my grandparents is one my grandmother loved to tell me: a night not long after her wedding to my grandfather, my grandmother applied copious amounts of lotion to her hands and then put on a pair of white gloves (as women were taught to do because god forbid WRINKLES ON HANDS) before getting into bed. My grandfather looked at her gloves, left the room, the came back wearing nothing but a bowtie because— AND I ACTUALLY QUOTE— he didn’t know they were “dressing for bed.” That story is more hilarious, personal, and entirely 100% actually sexier than Cosmo’s advice to “swat his butt” with your gloves.

5. A Feather Duster
Cosmo will never not advise you to rub a feather duster over your man’s junk. I don’t know if this is a lack of creativity, or a major Beauty and the Beast French fetish, but thank you, Cosmo, for at least reminding us to use an “UNUSED” duster.

6. A spatula
Again, a necessary reminder to use a plastic or silicone utensil. Not that metal wouldn’t be great for some of you, but those some are not taking advice from Cosmo.

7. A tie
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Oh my god, so many rules. It’s like Ocean’s Sex-leven with the planning in this one.

8. A belt
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9. Clothespins
Cosmo calls this “S&M lite.” I’m also pretty sure this Cosmo writer has never actually seen, let alone felt a clothespin in real life. And the mere fact that they call nipples “bull’s-eyes” makes me know they’re not ready.

10. Pillows
I’m sorry, but… pillows? If you’re trying to convince me that you had sex advice worth reading after high school, GODDAMN PILLOWS is not helping. Put a pillow under my butt? COOL, THANX, COSMO.

11. A makeup brush
To quote our own CourtLo (as the writers of COURSE mocked this for a day before it got to the public phase), “I spent money on that makeup brush—I’m not getting chocolate all over it!”
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I’m sorry, do you think Sephoras grow on trees???

12. Vacuum
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Not only is a vacuum cleaner just inherently not sexy.
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But also if we’re using ACTUAL items around our ACTUAL lives, let’s not ignore the facts as they lie:
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13. Iced tea? Hot tea? Iced hot tea?
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This generally translates to: “If you have a drink that is a temperature, try making it NOT that temperature.” See???? SEXY.

14. A mint
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Just… come on. Try. Like, a little.

15. A towel
LIKE LITERALLY AT ALL. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize that the writer is obviously just walking through her apartment naming things she sees.

16. A beaded necklace
Except spoiler: it’s not at all how you’re imagining.
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Thanks for so much, Cosmo. Thank you for being exactly what you were when I was 15. Which is to say, absolutely no help at all.

*Vivian Kane gives an entirely sarcastic but also accurate THANKS A NOTHING to Brock Wilbur for always managing to find the literal worst things on the internet.