For decades — centuries, really — science has believed there were limitations to the power of female sex toys. Sure, vibrators are great for stimulating the clitoris, adding another weapon in the arsenal for both couples and solo artists, and it’s even been used to treat hysteria. It turns out, however, that there’s yet another previously unknown and unintended benefit of the humming dildo:
It can open up a “direct path to Satan.”
That, according to Christian author Mack Major, who wrote on his Facebook wall that female sex toys “have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals. It’s one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods. There is nothing normal about it. And shame on any Christian that says so.”
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
“Many of you who are reading this have sex toys in your possession right now. And whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life. As long as you have those sex toys in your home, you have a doorway that can allow demons to not only access your life at will, but also to torment you, hinder and destroy certain parts of your life as it relates to sex and your relationships.”
Woah?! Come again (NO PUN INTENDED). Sex toys are an open portal to Satan? You mean, like the Necronomicon? This is fantastic news, because up until now, I thought the only way to communicate with Satan directly was through episodes of Caillou.
Technology, y’all. It really does bring the whole world together.