Tom Cruise Won’t Stop Making Movies Till He’s Dead (Possibly From One of His Movies)

A doctor told me I was creeping into the pre-diabetic range about a year ago. I wasn’t exercising enough and was eating bags of candy on the reg. It wasn’t a good look. Over a year and many dance and HIIT videos later (thanks, Gina B), I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in. It took cutting sugar from my diet as much as possible and increasing my exercise regimens from occasional to often, but I did it. My wife and I pushed our kids around in strollers yesterday for over two hours, and despite the hot weather, I barely broke a sweat. However, I’m 36, so after that walk, my left knee was f***ing killing me.

I don’t have any problems with that knee, but it felt like it was swelling up. My water intake was good yesterday. I had already worked out a little (not too heavy cause I had a terrible night of sleep), so I was stretched. Still, my knee was like, “nah, dude.” It was fine when I woke up this morning, but a pleasant afternoon of walking with family was too much for the old gal. But, that’s aging for ya. There’s only so much I can do, and no matter what, one day my body will reach a point when it can’t, let’s say, climb out onto the wing of a plane while working as its own cinematographer.

For who among us is blessed with the powers of Xenu more than the man who once jumped on a couch and electrocuted Oprah with Emperor Palpatine-like energy (I don’t think I’ve ever seen the original version of the video)? Despite that period of Tom Cruise’s life, when he scolded Matt Lauer about psychology (there are plenty of other reasons to scold Lauer, Tom) and flaunted his marriage to Katie Holmes like some prized possession, the actor has managed to work Hollywood’s short attention span and eagerness to forgive white folks to his advantage. If you perform enough death-defying stunts, people will stop asking about the whereabouts of Shelly Miscavige. It’s simple math.

Cruise is continuing those stunts with the newest entry in his long-running Mission: Impossible franchise. Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning (huh, what happened to Dead Reckoning Part 2?!) is flying into theaters this weekend, and Cruise swears it’s his final outing as Ethan Hunt. “It’s the final,” Cruise claimed when The Hollywood Reporter caught up to him on the red carpet. “It’s not called ‘final’ for nothing.” I haven’t seen the movie yet, but it does appear to be a sendoff for his character. However, that doesn’t mean Cruise is done with the silver screen.

“I actually said I’m going to make movies into my 80s,” Cruise said, correcting an interviewer who quoted Cruise directly by noting he said he wanted to make Mission: Impossible movies into his 80s (she was right, he was wrong). “Actually, I’m going to make them into my 100s.” The actor said this week after revealing that he almost passed out shooting a stunt for his new movie. That’s perfectly acceptable because the man is in his 60s! But it should be a warning sign, not a close call. That being said, it does sound like Cruise is doing the best to take care of himself and (presumably) keep those thetan levels low.

“There’s a lot of pre-stunt rituals that keep me alive — it depends on what I’m doing and the amount of preparation I have to do,” he explained, and honestly, please share those tips, Tom. I’ve got a family vacation in Lancaster next week, and I know there will be walking involved. “A lot of thought goes into it, and they are very complex and very interesting.” If Cruise does keep making movies, I’d be fine if he moved on from action. Go back to drama, Tom. Star in a political thriller. Or get that David Miscavige biopic off the ground (you know it’s coming).