Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Andrew Sanford | News | July 16, 2026
Few people have made me want to dust off my old altar boy robes and believe in a higher power more than Alex Jones. Not because I think God sent him to save us from the deep state or some such nonsense. The man is a snake oil salesman with less charm, who spent years torturing the families of the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting. The vitriol he spews has infected the minds of people and fomented a level of violence and hatred that has made this world worse. He has made me want to believe in God once more, because if such an entity exists, it means hell does too, and that Jones would spend eternity there.
Unfortunately, we live in the real world, and can’t guarantee that he will face some eternal punishment. We can’t even make sure that he faces consequences on this plane of existence. The man has been ordered to pay the victims whose lives he’s made worse, and yet has done everything in his power to avoid doing so. The families, in cooperation with the Onion, attempted to buy Jones’ brand/company/disinformation machine, InfoWars, at auction, but a Texas appeals court paused the transaction.
But The Onion will not go down without a fight. Instead of listening to the courts, it moved ahead with its own version of InfoWars (complete with music from the incredible Nick Lutsko), hosted by Tim Heidecker, and has claimed that Alex Jones actually blew up in his car and the current one is a fake. That said, a caller who sounded suspiciously like Tim Robinson claimed that Jones had been dead for a while and is actually more like a character who people play, like Bozo.
The new iteration of InfoWars is much easier to stomach than its earlier iteration, for obvious reasons. But one of the biggest aspects is making sure Jones pays SOMEthing. While he may do everything he can to avoid financial restitution, he can at least get dragged through the mud as he deserves. His reputation is already in the toilet, but his supporters don’t mind that. What they will mind is him getting dog-walked on a platform that he created, the logo of which has now been colored to reflect a Pride flag.
In a recent interview with the LA Times, Heidecker made it clear that part of this was making sure Jones faced some kind of consequence for his horrific actions. “First and foremost is [Onion CEO] Ben Collins, who’s really the architect of all this; this is his mission. He saw an opportunity to do something good, and nobody else was doing it. And he said, ‘If you’re ever in that position, you have to do it. You have to try to see it through,’” Heidecker explained. “This guy has evaded justice for three or four years now, when it comes to paying what he owes the families, and this is a way to put some tinder on that, to get a revenue stream going, be on the side of of the families, just to get them paid what they’re owed.”
Hell yeah, man. Again, popping Jones in a pit of fire and despair, where he is forced to devour his own supplements for hours on end for the rest of time, would be nice, but that stuff ain’t real. Using his name to make fake promises of turning your piss into gold and claiming he ate too many burgers and exploded in his car? That’ll do, Tim. That’ll do.
