Marvel, Why Are You Like This?

As always, let me put my cards on the table: When it comes to the incessantly warring factions of fun versus stuffy internet critics chasing online socialist clout, make mine Marvel. Not that I think the MCU should be everyone’s cup of tea, but sometimes, a movie is just a movie. You can relax, Francis. They’re not the backdoor purveyors of neoliberalism or whatever. They’re two hours of escapism featuring the superhero genre that’s delighted audiences of all ages since the 1930s. If you want to call people babies for liking them, C.S. Lewis has a much more profound take on the subject than I do. My rebuttal mostly involves eating an object that’s also the name of Batman’s first sidekick.

But, as much as I go to bat for Marvel, even I won’t deny that it’s had a rough couple of years. COVID, an over-aggressive streaming strategy, and Jonathan Majors all did a number on the once-storied franchise that already had an uphill battle reaching the same highs as The Infinity Saga. As predicted, the Marvel fad wore off, and wouldn’t you know it, movies are still being made. It’s almost like the MCU wasn’t the death of the film industry because, even at their most aggressive, they were only three theatrical releases out of 100 each year. Am I suggesting that Film Twitter were hysterical ninnies? Yes. Please quote me on that.

Anyway, Marvel desperately wants to restart the engines by putting all its chips on Avengers: Doomsday, starting with the re-casting of Robert Downey Jr. as Doctor Doom, bringing back the old Avengers team, and throwing in the Fox X-Men crew for good measure. To be fair, this is a pretty good strategy! Marvel caught lightning in a bottle with its original cast, and it’s been long enough that getting the band together doesn’t feel too soon. There’s just the pesky problem of the past eight years of movies and TV series that left a muddled CGI mess on the floor. Well, apparently, there’s a solution and a blatant cash-grab at that.

Joe Russo recently revealed that Avengers: Endgame will be re-released in theaters this September, but with new footage added to tee up Doomsday. Via Deadline:

“It’s an opportunity to create a bridge from Endgame to Doomsday in a very unique way, and because the movie was so successful, we have an opportunity to re-release it. You don’t always get the chance to re-release because it costs money, so the fact that we can enhance the story of Doomsday by bridging it to Endgame and these characters that we worked with for years that we love so much, and continue their story: It’s a really unique opportunity.”

Joe continued to describe the upcoming Endgame re-release as a “critical companion story” and a “setup for what you’re gonna watch in December when you see Avengers Doomsday.”

Just to be clear: To understand Doomsday, you have to buy a movie ticket and sit through a three-hour movie you’ve already seen once if not more. Props for just steamrolling everything that came out after Endgame — it was the only way — but are you serious with this? Yeah, I’m not doing that.

The movie theater is hell on earth, so Marvel is lucky I’m falling for the Doctor Doom bait as it is. You’re getting your pound of flesh there, but this re-release thing? C’mon, man. If Kevin Feige comes to my local theater and starts slapping phones on the floor, I’ll think about it. These are my terms. (Can you tell someone took a call during my showing of Thunderbolts? It’s a year later, and I’m still mad about it.)