Jimmy Fallon Wants You To Know That Businesses Are People Too

Look, late-night shows are dying; I get it. Having to hear Seth Meyers talk recently about being bummed that there won’t be a new generation of hosts was sobering. It’s not surprising, but dagnabbit, I think I’ve always held out hope that what is old would become hip again. Not just hip, but a successful and viable source of entertainment with which networks could make money. I’m not naive. Without bringing in bucks, those shows won’t continue. But man, oh man, the route to staying on TV should not include giving brands a handjob disguised as a competition show.

I heard a story the other day about how Mark Mothersbaugh, lead singer of Devo, would plant subliminal messages in advertisements. The man embedded the words “Sugar is bad for you” into the music mixes he made for Hawaiian Punch commercials. I know everyone can’t go that far, but look at Conan O’Brien. The longtime host will deliver ad reads for products with little to no reverence. Hell, he’ll often make fun of the product or whatever ad copy he’s supposed to read! Still, I should know better than to expect Jimmy Fallon to do anything of that sort, but I didn’t expect him to build a whole show around sucking up.

To be clear, I’ve never minded Fallon as a late-night host. I understand that people find him disingenuous, but I’ve always enjoyed Marc Maron’s love for doing Fallon’s show, noting that the host is always enthusiastic and fun, even if that may come off as fake to others. If he’s making the guests happy, then I don’t really have anything to say in the way of criticism. I’m not going out of my way to watch him, nor give him a pass for being abusive to his staff, but I never thought he was particularly bad at the job, as much as a clear indicator that the product was changing. That being said, I draw the line at soulless shilling.

That’s what’s happening in Fallon’s new NBC show, On Brand, which is being described by Variety as a “marketing competition series.” Barf. The show will have contestants pitch ideas to big brands on how to market their products. The winner will receive $100,000 and be given “bragging rights of being the innovator of the year,” according to Fallon. The host discussed the show at the Cannes Lions keynote, where he excitedly revealed, “We made it happen, and we got eight brands!” Stab me with a spoon until you break skin.

The idea of the show already sounds like a version of Shark Tank that is somehow more dehumanizing. It doesn’t help that a $100,000 prize sounds like peanuts compared to what the companies will rake in, or even spend on ad agencies to develop ideas for them. Instead, it sounds like a cheap way to get ideas that I assume will be their property regardless of whether they choose them as the winner or not. But yeah, Jimmy, gimme them bragging rights, I guess.

But don’t worry, Jimmy wants you to know that this is good for the contestants. “It hasn’t even aired yet. As we were announcing the show, one of our contestants had this idea for a podcast of his dad’s cooking. He’s filming it now!” Fallon yelled into a microphone. “He’s already thought of this idea and made it into a real thing. Things are changing and happening. It’s all happening in real time, and I’m happy to be part of this.” What is happening, Jimmy?! What?!

According to Fallon, this won’t just be good for the contestants (questionable), but it will be good for the brands themselves (who gives a flying f***?). He claims the show will “pull back the curtain,” allowing brands to show “they’re not just a business — they’re people. And what do they believe in, and what are they looking for?” My brother in Christ, what are you talking about?! No one cares what Dunkin is looking for unless it’s a kind of coffee that doesn’t taste like burnt asshole with a hint of artificial blueberry.

For those of you concerned that this will just be hour-long sessions of product placement, Jimmy is here to assure you that it will be much, much worse. “It’s so beyond product placement,” he noted as the light disappeared from my eyes. “It’s actually entertaining and fun. We’re giving you 40 minutes as opposed to a 30-second spot. It’s not an integration. I’m talking about your brand for a whole hour.” It feels like Fallon is one step away from over-enthusiastically laughing at the quips of a giant Pepto Bismol sitting on his couch.