Jay Leno Fights To Make Sure He Can Pollute With His Cars

I hate my car, but I need it. My life was fine without one for over a decade, as I maneuvered through NYC thanks to (mostly) reliable public transit. But my wife and I were gifted my mother-in-law’s 2006 Kia Spectra, complete with a CD player that doesn’t work and duct tape covering something on the front. I’ve never pulled the tape up to check just in case it’s load-bearing. We are very lucky to have a car, especially now that we have kids, but having to use the car over the last six years has strengthened my belief that cars suck and our country should be connected by a series of easily accessible trains.

My disdain stems from the fact that I’ve never been a “car person.” I don’t care about fenders and motors and air fresheners. Unless it’s the animal, I won’t crane my neck to check out a Jaguar passing by. A terrible neighbor (who has thankfully moved) once referred to his car as “the BMW” and nodded at me like I was supposed to be impressed. I was not. Because in addition to not caring about cars, I find “car people” to be super annoying. The most annoying car person? Why, that would be Mr. Jay Leno!

I don’t have to tell you that Jay Leno is a hack comedian who failed upwards his entire career just like I don’t have to tell you that water makes things wet. Some things need no explanation. Leno spent decades subjecting midwestern rubes to his misogynistic “jokes” with his late-night show. Then, he screwed over Conan O’Brien when he realized his relevance would plummet if he moved on from his daily timeslot. When he finally did move on, he pivoted to his love of classic cars and denim suits.

That’s what brings us here today! Leno is currently fighting to make sure his classic cars (anything older than 35 years) do not have to abide by California’s smog check laws, which require cars to have their smog levels inspected. There is already an exemption for cars built before 1975, but that’s not good enough. According to Leno, he shouldn’t have to get his car from 1989 checked because he barely drives it, and the smog check stations are too far away for him to drive.

Cry me a f***ing river. Sorry, you have to drive your luxury cars to get them checked. If the places to get them checked are too far away, maybe fight to have more stations installed? You’re a rich man, Jay Leno, you can’t spend your money to allow your cars to be checked at your garage? Nope. Like every rich person in this dumb place called Earth, he’d rather fight for fewer regulations that are put in place to keep people safe because they are inconvenient. Cars sucks, but Jay Leno sucks harder.