Don’t Worry, Everyone, Jay Leno Says This Election Was “Great Day For Democracy”

I’ve been with my wife for twelve years (seven married) and yesterday, I woke up and saw her more defeated than I ever have. She is the strongest person I know, and I’ve seen her weather a lot of bullshit over the years and not even break her f***ing stride. Yesterday, I saw pure devastation on her face. But, by the afternoon, she was ready to fight because she is incredible. I am filled with righteous anger at a country of selfish bastards who loudly and proudly made her feel as low as she did. I weep for my children’s futures. If only, I dunno, a failed, loathed, shell of a comedian filled with a notoriously selfish talk show host could assuage my fears!

By golly, I’m in luck! Remember Jay Leno? You know, the misogynistic prick who failed upward in the comedy world, kissed loads of ass, and refuse to leave? The only man alive who couldn’t even get sympathy after he caught on fire? Jay Leno! The walking denim helium balloon who has resting “sorry I’m here” face? You know, the man whose act is the only thing whiter than his hair! Yes, that Jay Leno! F*** that guy!

I’m not even saying that regarding his decades of selfish, unfunny behavior! Set aside the fact that he went out of his way to make Monica Lewinsky’s life a living hell. Ignore the fact that his shit behavior helped upend Conan O’Brien’s tenure as host of The Tonight Show. There are plenty of reasons to dislike Jay Leno, several of which I likely forgot! Regardless, his post-election take’ll anger up your blood like an ice-cold sarsaparilla!

Leno was asked about the election on The Talk. When questioned about his memories of hosting late-night during elections, the former host said, “Well, you know it was different. In my day you kind of made fun of both sides…now you kind of have to take a side and yeah, it’s a little bit different.” Gee, Jay, I can’t imagine why people take sides now. It’s almost as if a demagogue helped one side embrace their hatred, fear, and jealousy, but I might just be spitballing here! Ole Jay wasn’t done there, adding, “But the nice thing about this election is, it was fair, it was honest. Okay, I was not a fan, but that’s okay. It’s the President of the United States.”

Being no stranger to shoving his foot in his mouth, Leno made a bulls*** call for unity, saying, “Let’s all get together… You know my fear is… and it’s going to be name calling.” Oh, NAME CALLING is your fear, you big-chinned bag of donut oil. “There was no cheating,” the rizzless wonder explained. “Everybody says it was honest. It’s a great day for democracy.”

Jay. Hey, Jay. I know you only listen to people if they’re riding shotgun in one of your many penis compensators, but I want you to read what I’m writing very carefully: only one side was complaining about cheating. Only one side wants to make sure this process doesn’t happen again. This was not a great night for democracy, it was a great night for straight white men. End of list.

If it’s any consolation, dear readers, Jay has said he is not “a fan” of Trump. Noted, Jay. Noted.