Hank Hill Takes Flat Ass Representation To 'Fortnite'

My name is Andrew Sanford and I have no ass. I’ve tried! There are plenty of squats in my workout routine. I’ve targeted the lower back fat I have above it, hoping that diminishing it would create the appearance of an ass. No dice. It didn’t stop my mother from looking at me in her kitchen a few years ago and saying, “wow, Andrew, you have no ass.” I did not need my mother to tell me that for a… host of reasons. But, chief among them is that I knew, because I had seen myself represented before, thanks to Hank Rutherford Hill.

Hank was diagnosed with having no ass in a hilarious episode of King of the Hill years ago. I was not aware of my predicament at the time, and while it isn’t as severe as Mr. Hill’s, I would come to find that my pants often slide down because they have nothing to hold onto. When I twerk (and I do), it just appears as if I am trying to shove my hip bones back into place. If I tuck in my shirt, it’s just a straight line from the back of my neck to the ground. It likely doesn’t help that I have a steady amount of video games in my diet, but do you know what game I do not like? Fortnite.

I have tried playing it plenty of times. Young, cool friends of mine tried to get me into it when it first started, and it didn’t take. The battle royale style shooter that forces you to fight for your life in cartoonish locales has always felt repetitive to me. I’m also not much of an online game player, choosing instead to play games more focused on story that I can delve into at my leisure. My brothers, my niece, and I, all scattered to different corners of the world, have tried to play it together, and I just can’t get into it. But maybe a particularly flat assed man would change my mind? The game is introducing a Hank Hill skin for players and shared this picture, asking if they got it right.

Hell yeah, you did, Fortnite developers. That right there is the absence of cake. There have been plenty of enticing skins for this shoot ‘em up, and I’ve been tricked before. At the end of the game, you’re still doing the same thing over and over, but this time, the character brandishing a semi-automatic machine gun is the best propane salesman in Arlen, Texas. You can’t be what you can’t see, so now, just maybe, I can see myself as a Fortnite player.

But probably not.