David Ellison May Get What He Wants as WB Reconsiders Paramount Offer

All hail the great and powerful David Ellison! As someone whose forehead is also exceptionally large, I think the fact that his forehead looks like you can project an entire movie in VistaVision on it is pretty fantastic. His lack of eyebrows? That’s merely a looksmmaxing fashion choice that we’ll all be doing in no time. You may scoff at his efforts to buy Warner Bros. and call them “whiny,” and, honestly, how dare you! Because guess what? It’s working, y’all!

Warner Bros. is set to announce that it is reconsidering the Ellison family’s hostile takeover, according to Deadline. The company had initially agreed to terms with Netflix, but, like most white men with money and a sense of entitlement, David Ellison did not take no for an answer! Instead, he’s showing that leadership requires courage, passion, and the ability to tap into your dad’s human hunting fund to add to your initial bid.

But Netflix just didn’t have the juice, you guys. Paramount isn’t out here trying to get beta-cucked by a CEO who looks like a haircut in search of a man. If Ted Sarandos really wanted Netflix to close the deal, he would have simply asked his daddy to give him an extra bump. The mere fact that he didn’t shows that he isn’t well-equipped enough to get the maximum value for his shareholders year over year.

Look, all of this is going to lead to layoffs, cause ya can’t make a blood-diamond-encrusted omelet without breaking a few eggs (preferably those of the person who made you that expensive egg dish). But ask yourself, if you’re staring down the barrel of an all-hands Zoom meeting, do you want to get told your kids may not get Christmas presents by some dweeb who is allergic to movie theaters or one who looks like a freshly waxed surfboard above the eyes? You know the answer.

Everything is awesome, dude. Superman will soon join up with the Ninja Turtles to do PSAs about why you shouldn’t interfere with ICE agents. The media landscape will get smaller (thank GOD), scores of people will get a lot more free time on their hands to pursue hobbies like scrounging for food out of dumpsters to ensure their family can eat, and maybe, just maybe, Larry Ellison will say the words, “I love you,” to a certain special someone who has been a very good boy.