Hollywood doesn’t like to deal with superlatives that aren’t based on what’s come before it. Movies are either sequels (still waiting on the Crying Game 2: Sob Harder, but I heard it’s stuck in development hell) or described as a mashup of previous hits (the CG 2: SH is going to be like Die Hard meets Jumanji. I don’t know, I didn’t see the first.) So it’s no surprise that they are constantly trying to anoint a “Next George Clooney.”
Some of these articles are from 7 years ago, and yet we still have not found the official “Next George Clooney.” Well, friends, the wait is over.
Before we get to who the official Next George Clooney is, I need to walk you through the complex algorithm I spent all weekend perfecting. For nearly 48 hours straight, I compiled every well-known quality George Clooney has been associated with such as “handsome,” “charming,” “not a robot” but save for Jon Hamm, that list basically applies to any actor in Hollywood. (Note: one day we’ll get into the different iterations of Hamm, but today is not that day.)
To get to the true Clooney essence, you must dive deep into what makes him, him. That required a much more complex schema of qualities such as “known associate of Rande Gerber,” “aware of the dangers of killer tomatoes,” and “ability to produce twins.” By the time it was all said and done, I had a list of almost 300,000 qualities of George Clooney, weighted in relevance of most Clooney-esque (“his name is George Clooney”) to least Clooney-esque (“brushes teeth at least once a year.”)
The work was not yet finished. Obviously our Next George Clooney can’t be an exact replica of the current George Clooney, that would just be silly. Particularly because that technology is about 5 years away from being perfected and we need our Next George Clooney now, dammit!
Unfortunately, I am but one woman, and as much as I would like to devote my time entirely towards the search for the Next George Clooney, I also have a very busy schedule of angrily tweeting to my internet service provider and collecting Avon Albee figurines, so I had to find a shortcut to the solution. With the remaining precious 24 hours of the long holiday weekend, I built out an algorithm that would randomly pick just three qualities that we could use to crown our Next George Clooney, taking into account the complex schema and weighted qualities I lovingly compiled.
Love of Nature
After 72 exhaustive hours non-stop trying to find him, it was clear in a matter of seconds who the Next George Clooney is.
Butters, the goat.
You’re welcome America.
I, for one, am excited we can finally put this long, exhausting, and exhaustive search to rest, and start planning the new Oceans 11 film, which I’ve been told is Die Hard meets Clueless. We now have our Next George Clooney for the following 15-18 years, which is the average lifespan of a goat.
Welcome, Butters, we’re glad you’re here.