Everyone always tells you which movies to mainline before Netflix drops them like a hot deuce in a gas station toilet. I think we’re pretty clear about which things you should watch on Netflix, so I thought I’d be helpful and tell you which crap buffets to pass on and allow to expire quietly.
1. Picture Perfect (1997)
Jennifer Aniston, Anistoning up a terrible romantic comedy that doesn’t really seem romantic at all. You would think she would have learned by now that these sorts of things aren’t her forte.
2. Crash (2004)
This movie holds a special place in my Hatred Book because when I was dating my husband, he lied about studying for an exam and went to see this piece of inane garbage instead. Plus, it’s a piece of shit movie.
3. The Guilt Trip (2012)
I haven’t even seen this, but Dustin’s take is good enough for me: “There is nothing in The Guilt Trip that cannot be telegraphed the moment you see the movie poster. There is no beat, no situation, and no joke that you haven’t heard a thousand times in your life already. It is the Velveeta of holiday movies: Processed to be vaguely palatable and to fill you up, but there is nothing enjoyable or entertaining about experiencing it. It just exists and I wish it didn’t.”
4. Dance with Me (1998)
I had to Google this forgettable dance/romance flick starring Vanessa Williams and some dude I don’t care enough to IMDB.
5. Collateral Damage (2002)
You know who else never learns? Schwarzenegger. That dude just keeps making movies and doesn’t care if they blow, as long as he gets to spout generic one-liners and tote a gun the size of JJ Watt’s thighs.
6. Texas Chainsaw (2013)
THEY MADE A TEXAS CHAINSAW TWO YEARS AGO???
7. Godzilla (1998)
Fat, knocked up Godzilla crashes New York City to splurp out some eggs in Madison Square Garden. Meanwhile, Matthew Broderick is buying disposable cameras and having a meet-cute with a former flame.
8. The Perfect Husband: The Laci Peterson Story (2004)
Dean Cain’s gotta eat, but we don’t need to watch him earn those cheeseburgers.
9. Last Action Hero (1993)
10. Hatchet II (2010)
I was underwhelmed by the first Hatchet, not only because I saw Harmony’s boobs. It just wasn’t any good. I can’t see the second being worth anything either.
11. G.I. Jane (1997)
Demi Moore shaved her head for this, had three other roles that year, and then didn’t make another movie until 2000. So. Yeah.
12. Platoon Leader (1988)
I’ve never even heard of this turd, but…
13. Soul Survivors (2001)
Man, Eliza Dushku is terrible and there were a lot of movies about teenagers killing people while driving back then. Alas, this one isn’t the AMAZING I Know What You Did Last Summer so [fart noises].