Typically, when Netflix releases a new series, it’s something akin to a minor holiday. Many of us spend our weekends watching those new series, and the next two to three weeks discussing them on the Internet.
But then there is Real Rob, the new Netflix series from Rob Schneider. Many of you may not know that the series has already been out for a week. There’s been next to no conversation about it on the Internet, and I doubt anyone has binged through the first two episodes, much less the entire eight episode first season.
I watched the first episode. I won’t watch another. This is what I learned.
1. The cold open is a two-minute conversation between Schneider and his real-life wife, Patricia Schneider, about how she didn’t want him to touch her boobs because she uses her boobs to breastfeed their child and Rob touches his balls a lot. She didn’t want to infect their baby with his testicle bacteria. Ultimately, however, she agreed to let him touch one boob but not the nipple, but Rob couldn’t help himself — he went “right to the nipple.”
The scene ended with Patricia getting up to feed the baby and leaving Rob alone in the bed, scratching his balls and rubbing his eyes with his testicle bacteria.
2. In the next scene, Rob is confronted by a “fan” in the airport who asked him to autograph bootleg copies of his movies downloaded from the Internet. Schneider agreed. “Thanks, I can sell these for, like, $2 on Ebay.”
3. This is Rob Schneider’s real-life wife. She’s ridiculously hot. She may have a lot of other positive attributes going for her, as well (though, the fact that she married Schneider cast some doubt on that), but you know that the only thing that Schneider cares about is that she is hot. In other words, whatever any of the rest of us want to say about Schneider’s shitty show, his shitty movie career, and his shitty sense of humor, in Schneider’s mind, he has won. There’s nothing we can do or say to change that.
4. Patricia has a stripper pole in the baby nursery. “It sends the right message” to her baby that she “should work out.”
5. In this scene, Rob Schneider drops some sushi on his shoe, but he tells his wife that it’s OK to eat it because it didn’t touch the floor. She makes him sleep on the couch that night. GENDER HUMOR!
6. There’s a stand-up component to the series, because Schneider insist on stealing everything from Louie. In this bit, he explains that it would take more than a hair to keep a guy from eating food. “The hair would have to be attached to a pair of balls, and then the guy would ask, ‘How far are those balls away from the food source?’”
7. Here we have Rob asking his wife to break a lock, because she’s Mexican. She expresses offense, and then breaks the lock, because she’s Mexican. Ugh.
8. The A-plot in the pilot episode concerns Rob’s incompetent personal assistant, who Rob finally fires after he finds someone who actually does know his schedule better than anyone: His stalker. Yes, Rob briefly hires his stalker to be his personal assistant, but eventually the stalker quits because he likes to “stalk,” and being a personal assistant takes all the fun out of it. Rob is devasated.
9. Here’s his stalker/assistant warning him to get out of a book signing because a busload of handicapped people just arrived, and they are slow. He quickly agrees.
10. In the B-plot, Rob’s wife decides to start a male cabaret, which requires bringing in a lot of shirtless men to audition. Rob feels threatened by them. As he should. Eventually, she hires one of the male strippers to be the baby’s new nanny.
11. In his second stand-up bit, Rob says that he doesn’t agree with Sharia law where it concerns women sleeping with other men. He doesn’t think they should be stoned to death, but he doesn’t see anything wrong with maybe “one stone.” Funny stuff, Rob.
12. The final stand-up bit goes on forever, and it involves a conversation between Rob and his wife (or, Rob doing a terrible impression of his wife) about installing a motion detector alarm system. Basically, she nags him about making sure the house is safe from robbers for what seems like forever, until Rob finally says, “The only person in the house who wants to kill you is me!”