Henry Cavill Heard You Like Butt Chin With Your Witcher

After dashing my skull on the terrifyingly dull rocks of America’s future, it’s time for some mindless fluff! So let’s talk about the first look at Henry Cavill as Geralt for Netflix’s The Witcher, which was revealed this morning on Halloween, a day known for shitty costumes, so that’s some on brand social media management. Well done.

If you’re not familiar with The Witcher, it’s a popular fantasy book series in Poland that became an international sensation thanks to the video games by CD Projekt Red. Particularly 2015’s smash hit The Witcher III: Wild Hunt, which primed fans to expect a Geralt of Rivia who looks like this:

Instead, they were treated to this:

First look at Henry Cavill as Geralt of Rivia. pic.twitter.com/out3Am0Jph

— Andy Kelly (@ultrabrilliant) October 31, 2018

Okay, just kidding. But only slightly, because here’s the weird-ass video of Cavill doing his best Legolas if Legolas was pure butt chin impression. He doesn’t even talk, which is probably for the best. The clip is all about the saunter and stare, and hey, maybe Middle Earth porn is what some of you need right now. These are dark times.

Get your first look at Henry Cavill in The Witcher! pic.twitter.com/1O2eWS1MkP

— Netflix US (@netflix) October 31, 2018

Not unlike the taut buttocks adorning Cavill’s face, the takes were hot:

Well this is exciting bc I'd always wanted to see Henry Cavill as Draco Malfoy's dad.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) October 31, 2018

Good enough. pic.twitter.com/uhGWBoCpir

— Charles PM (@CharlesPulliam) October 31, 2018

Get your first look at Henry Cavill in The Witcher! pic.twitter.com/M8Knvi4Ylk

— Wesley Yin-Poole (@wyp100) October 31, 2018

Henry cavill in #TheWitcher pic.twitter.com/mIjrKflj9v

— Rafael (@Piovinha) October 31, 2018

Henry Cavill como Geralt de Rivia. pic.twitter.com/veZqQSz70G

— Sleazy Slasher (@Sturlunson) October 31, 2018

Of course, I wouldn’t be doing my proud SJW diligence if I didn’t mention the fact that casting for The Witcher ran into some hot toilet water when it leaked that the show was looking for BAME actresses (Read: not-white) for the lead characters Ciri and Yennefer who were super f**king white in the video games. Naturally, racist nerds flipped right the f**k out and ran showrunner Lauren Hissrich off of Twitter with stupid-ass arguments about “historical accuracy” in a FANTASY series where a witch man uses magical powers to fight fictional monsters.

Except here’s the weird part. Hissrich ended up casting Freya Allan as Geralt’s daughter Ciri. She’s on the left in this image from io9, and I’m not saying they picked the palest white girl to stop a fan revolt, but uh, holy shit.

As for the other female lead who looks like she’s 12? That’s Geralt’s love interest. Yup. Which makes me wonder if they let Cavill do the casting because remember when he dated a 19-year-old?

Never forget.