My 5-Year-Old Reviews 'My Little Pony: The Movie,' Kind Of
To be both a fan and colleague of writers you admire instills a sense of “me too” in a person. Dustin and TK have both enlisted the help of their perfect angelchildren to review films. So I thought, why not mine? My 5-year-old daughter—you can call her Boodge—is a delight and probably a genius. She could probably review the shit out of some shit, I thought.
That’s…not exactly how it went…
Backstory: my kid loves My Little Pony. And as a child on the ASD spectrum, she has every character name memorized and can reenact and recite whole scenes and episodes. Also? She goddamn loves herself some Sia, who appears and sings in the film.
My 5yo drew her favorite person. pic.twitter.com/nSc1jjBqfh— Courtney Enlow (@courtenlow) September 24, 2017
I mean, I am to understand that she sings in the film. I don’t know—we bounced after about 45 minutes. This kid once made us sit and watch Inside Out twice in a row. We’ve watched Trolls and (ugh) Sing countless times. Kid can sit through a movie. Not this one. She ate her popcorn, decided it was too dark in there and wanted to go home and color. All in all, not a great review. And honestly, I too wanted to go home and color. I’m not the audience. I was fully into Emily Blunt as Tempest the bad pony and was seriously enjoying Taye Diggs as an off-brad MC Skat Cat but my date wasn’t apparently.
Undeterred, I held firm to my journalistic goals. It went about as well as actually watching the movie did. ENJOY MY CUTE KID I GUESS.
So what did you think of the movie?
It was so fun.
What happened in it?
There was a villain. Bad villain bad villain.
What was her name?
Her name was…Troppa?
I think her name was Tempest.
She was the villain. What did she look like?
She looked like she has some pink hair, a broken horn, purple skin and a bad blue shirt.
Was she scary?
Yes, I don’t like her.
What did she do that was so scary?
Mom, I love ice cream.
I know you love ice cream, but can you tell me more about the movie?
It was so fun.
There was…her brothers.
Her brothers? What were her brothers like?
They were like clips on their bellies, white hair and no shoes.
So what were the ponies doing?
They were stopping them. And they were lost and they were so tired. *loud sigh*
What were they doing in the beginning? Tell me about the party.
What happened at the end?
You tell me.
It was so much fun.
I don’t think we saw the party. What was Twilight’s party going to be like?
What was it going to have?
Cake and cupcakes and apple juice. What was Pinkie Pie making?
I don’t know. What was she making?
Cake. And cupcakes. *whispers* Cake.
What was Spike doing?
He was doing something gooder. Life is like a hurricane here in Duckberg…[sings whole song]
What do you like about DuckTales?
Webby was skating at the library with Dew—who’s in blue?
Is that Dewey?
Yes. Who’s in red?
I think that’s…Huey?
Is it Ooey?
I don’t think it’s Ooey. I think it’s Huey. What about Scrooge McDuck? What does he like to swim in?
A big lake.
What’s it filled with?
What other shows do you like? PowerPuff Girls?
Yes. Who is from the PowerPuff Girls?
I don’t know—who?
Bubbles. Mama? The blue dress with the yellow hair is?
The pink dress with the orange hair is?
And the green dress with the black hair is?
Yes. And who’s the brown hair with the purple dress.
I don’t know—who’s that?
I don’t know. Who’s the white dress with the white hair?
I don’t watch the show, babe—I need you to tell me.
*singing* PowerPuff Girls, PowerPuff Girls.
Wait, who wears the white shirt?
Who wears the white shirt? With the brown hair?
No. The purple one.
Oh who is that?
She grows so big.
But what is her name? I don’t know.
I don’t know either. We need to ask daddy.
[then we started talking about superheroes]
Wonder Woman has bracelets and rope and yogurt. And bracelets.
Can you tell me more about Wonder Woman’s yogurt?
No, yogurt is delicious.
It is delicious. What does Wonder Woman do with yogurt?
She eats it.
Does it make her strong?
Yes. She likes it and it makes her strong.
What else does Wonder Woman like to eat?
Cookies. Mom, does she like to eat tuna? Does she eat sugar cookies, peanut butter cookies or chocolate chip cookies? Does that make her—what’s the opposite of strong?
I thought Janu—Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I thought that was weeks.
That’s w-e-e-k. This is w-e-a-k. It means you’re tired and can’t move very well.
And strong means you’re tired too.
Does it make you tired to be strong?
Yes. I don’t want to be strong anymore. No no no no!
You don’t have to be! You’re good. You don’t have to be strong. Are you strong?
Yes. And the red Oddbod.
Who else is strong?
Just me. And something strong that’s red too.
Just you and the red Oddbod?
Am I strong?
What am I?
Is everyone weak?
Yes. But me. It’s me and the red Oddbod.
Anyway this don’t go as planned but exactly as expected. Whatever, here’s my kid singing DuckTales.
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