On the first day of one of my favorite classes growing up, the teacher said to us while giving the spiel encouraging us to ask questions: “remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people”. Shine on you crazy algebra one teacher, shine on.
On the Internet the stupidest questions are asked (and answered) on Yahoo Answers. It is unacceptable that the most bizarre questions that can be served up by Google autocomplete are answered in such uncivilized fashion. We at Pajiba can do better than that. We can be the provider of the answers that the Internet is clamoring out for. We too, can be heroes of triviality. Welcome to the first (and possibly last) instance of Pajibanswers.
So, let’s get to answering the first question about movies that popped up for me playing around on autocomplete this fine morning. And let’s give it the answer the Internet deserves.
Question: Why Are the Roads Always Wet in Movies?
According to my extensive research not asking other people or actually doing any research whatsover, I’ve narrowed this down to five potential answers. Please indicate your preference or propose alternate answers in the comments. We are all, after all, a team when it comes to making the world a more informed place.
Answer 1: This is a stupid fucking question.
Answer 2: The roads are never wet in movies. You’re just going slowly insane. It’s probably caused by the thing that lives in your closet and is only there when you close your eyes.
Answer 3: Do you remember the old canard frequently attributed to superstitious folks back in the old days? The ones about how cameras steal your soul? Well, the superstition is actually correct, though not precisely so. See, cameras steal small fractions of your soul, a little bit with each snap. Now, most people can grow back their souls a little bit at a time, so it’s just one of those things that doesn’t much harm you, like the extra bit of radiation you get from high altitude commercial flights. But imagine if your job was to stand in front of a camera all day every day, shooting dozens of frames per second. Like a fricking soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, as everyone knows, soul sucking cameras are nothing that a little blood sacrifice can’t clear up, for an hour at a stretch. Every hour or so of footage shot in a major Hollywood production requires a ritual human sacrifice. That makes for a lot of blood. Blood that needs hosed off the pavement before the next shot can begin.
Explains a lot about reality television, doesn’t it? They’re on such low budgets that the appropriate number of innocent sacrifices simply can’t be procured. The Kardashians? Souls like withered husks.
Answer 4: Most movies are shot in Vancouver. Three hours have never passed in which Vancouver did not receive either rain or snow.