The Pajiba Pet Peeve Madness bracket is so encompassing, so entertaining, so rich with infuriating annoyances that we worried releasing the whole thing at once would send readers into a toxic rage spiral not seen since they read whatever someone posted on Twitter seven minutes ago.
So we split the bracket in half to maintain blood pressures. Today, voting opens for Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace and Squeeeeeeeeeeeeps regions. Some fantastic matchups here, including No. 2 seed Parents Who Make Up Ridiculous Names for Their Kids vs. No. 15 Manspreaders, and No. 4 Teasers for Trailers squaring off against No. 13 Commercials in Movie Theaters.
If you missed Thursday’s matchups, don’t worry: round of 64 voting stays open until next week. So make sure you vote for your favorite — or is it least-favorite? — annoyances before polls close Monday at noon.
TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE REGION
No. 1 - Suffixgate
No. 16 - Unoriginal Online Gimmicks
THE WATERGATE WAS THE HOTEL, PEOPLE! Lazily tacking “gate” onto the end of every scandal is like putting “grill” on the end of anything you cook over charcoal. “Hey kids, do you want a burgergrill, hotdoggrill, or sausagegrill?” You know what type of posts pass for revolutionary in 2015? Ones that resonate without clickbait headlines, GIFs, slideshows or stunts. Another bracket? Are you fucking serious, Internet?
No. 8 - Mobile Ads That Direct You to an App Store
No. 9 - Getting a Screwed-up Food Order
I dislike dressing on salads for the same reason I won’t watch Kermit bondage porn: I hate seeing green things covered in fluid against their will. So when I order my salad plain and it comes out looking like it was passed around the set of a bukkake video, shit gets real. And look, I certainly understand the important role ads play in the online ecosystem: my dealer refuses to accept Entertainment Weekly prestige tokens as payment. But there’s no reason I should have to angrily decline your offer to purchase a shitty Fruit Ninja ripoff when I just want to finish this article about transgender zebras.
No. 5 - People Who Point Out Plot Holes
No. 12 - People Who Leave Comments Saying How Disinterested They Are
“How’d the T-Rex get into the visitor’s center without anyone hearing it?” Die slow. Why don’t you go check if anyone in your office is using the printer for personal use? News flash: Writers don’t care that you don’t care about what we wrote. But thanks for the click!
No. 4 - Teasers for Trailers
No. 13 - Commercials in Movie Theaters
Creating commercials for commercials sounds like a Spinal Tap gag, yet this has become movie marketing SOP and we eat it up. At least trailers for trailers contain something mildly interesting. “Hey, you know what would be awesome? Seeing an insurance ad on a 50-foot screen!” said a man who was promptly beaten to death.
No. 6 - Characters Who Act Like Idiots Just to Advance a Plot
No. 11 - Smashing Names Together to Create a Celebrity Nickname
“All right gang, our boat is sinking and we’re surrounded by sharks. Let’s throw the weapons, radios, shark repellent and emergency beacon overboard, slather this fish blood all over ourselves, and swim for it.” I would give up (consensual) sex for a year to travel back in time and witness the inception of celebrity couple creation. “HOLY SHIT I GOT IT! We’ll take one part of his name and part of her name and COMBINE THEM INTO ONE MOTHERFUCKING GIBBERISH NAME!” /orgasm noises heard for miles
No. 3 - People Who Are Habitually Late
No. 14 - Middle-aged People Who Look and Act Like Teenagers
Everyone knows someone who treats time as the artificial construct it truly is. You could ask him to meet you in the hallway in five minutes, and he’ll show up nine days later wondering what you need. Don’t use SnapChat or say “trill” if you’re over 45. Thanks.
No. 7 - Hyperlinks That Don’t Automatically Open in a New Tab
No. 10 - Bathrooms With Hand Dryers Instead of Paper Towels
Caring about the environment is great, but a clean planet is moot if a mutant superbug born on wet bathroom door handles eradicates humanity before the forests return.
No. 2 - Parents Who Make Up Ridiculous Names for Their Kids
No. 15 - Manspreaders
Aidenchee and Quenk aren’t unique snowflakes. They’re unemployable. Space on public transportation, mass transit, and airplanes is extremely limited. Take a lesson from 90s schoolgirl insults and close your damn legs.
No. 1 - Computerized Call Systems
No. 16 - Greeting Cards That Play Music
Soulless Robot: Please enter your 32 digit policy number to help us serve you better
/connects with an Indian guy named Steve four hours later
Steve: “Thanks for calling. Do you have your 32-digit policy number handy?”
/initiates Falling Down cosplay
No. 8 - People Who Use Their Phone in a Theater
No. 9 - Referring to Your Spouse as ‘Mommy’ or ‘Daddy’ When Kids Aren’t Around
Paying customers are trying to watch a movie in silence. Send that dick pic later (unless you’re older than 45). Unless you and your significant other are porn stars, don’t call each other “Mommy” and “Daddy” without children present. Live-tweeting an abortion is more socially acceptable.
No. 5 - Corporate-speak
No. 12 - Earbuds Being Ripped From Your Ears
Headphones that remain in your ears when the cord catches on a bannister would be an innovative, bleeding-edge paradigm shifter that strategically recontextualizes the cranial-based audio delivery space.
No. 4 - Athletes Who Thank God After a Win
No. 13 - Using Hashtags on Facebook
Reporter: “Darius, talk to us about what was going through your mind during that last sequence!”
Darius: “Well, coach didn’t bother drawing up a play. Said God had a plan. Which was odd since we were on our own 24-yard line, down 5, with only nine seconds left. But God came through. He made that cornerback trip on the turf and shred every ligament in his knee, leaving me wide open for the game winning TD. THE LORD’S BENEVOLENCE IS BEYOND BEAUTIFUL!”
No. 6 - People Who Say ‘Epic’ Without Irony
No. 11 - People Who Leave Their Cell Phone Ringer on at Work
As much as everyone enjoys hearing a MIDI version of the Busom Buddies theme song 17 times a day, flip that bitch to vibrate before your co-workers chop you up and feed you to squirrels. I’m not even going to waste time explaining why the 6-seed is a problem.
No. 3 - Losing Your Keys or Wallet
No. 14 - Unwanted Group Texts/Facebook Messages
I couldn’t find my car keys the other morning and damn near burned my house down in anger. METAL SHOULD BE EASIER TO LOCATE WHEN THERE’S NOTHING LEFT BUT ASH! Thanks for including me on a 194-person group text about my distant cousin’s bachelor party in California. Who are you, how did you get my number, and why do you think I have an opinion about where you all should golf?
No. 7 - Roommates/Significant Others Who Use the Last of Something Without Telling You
No. 10 - People Who Play Music Without Headphones
/puts cereal in bowl
/discovers empty milk carton
/puts cereal away
/heats up skillet
/discovers empty egg carton
/opens gun cabinet
You like your music. The people sharing a dirty metal traincar or 12-by-12 cube with you might not. Headphones cost like four dollars. Buy a pair.
No. 2 - Getting Stuck Behind Someone Paying With a Check at the Grocery Store
No. 15 - Dirty Fingernails and Toenails
My area grocer has 20-odd checkout lines. No matter how crowded it is or when I shop, I wind up in the lane with the checkbook-toting extreme couponer. Every. Single. Time. I’ve listened to entire Station Agents episodes waiting for the cashier to verify the customer’s ID and run the check through that little machine. Paying with a check should be a death penalty crime. Oh yeah: clean your extremities, people. Apes manage this.