We need to chat. See, we created the Pet Peeve Madness bracket and opened it up to you, dear Pajibites, because we expected you’d treat this exercise with the maturity and reverence it requires and frankly deserves. This thing wasn’t easy to create. Time, sweat, liquor — all were sacrificed to bring you weeks of quality mock and droll. And how did you repay our efforts? By flinging feces all over the Monet.
Let’s take a look at where the tournament stands today, shall we?
Oh, were you expecting an updated bracket? SORRY, SHITBUCKETS! Clean symmetrical lines are for adults. Clowns get burning tire GIFs. LOOK AT THE FLAMING WHITE TRASH PENDULUM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!
All the No. 1 seeds? GONE! You anarchists killed them off in two rounds. Don’t worry though: No. 16 seed Car Alarms is still around making trouble. The carnage also wiped out all but one No. 2 seed — People Who Invent Ridiculous Names for Their Kids — a bloodbath so tragic FDR sent Tom Hanks on a mission to bring the last No. 2 home safely.
(“We’re looking for Zaiden Tychee Willoughby.”
“No, no, you mean Zaiden TYCHEE Willoughby.”)
Favorites should fear the reaper. There are now more peeves seeded seventh and lower left in the tournament than peeves seeded No. 1 through No. 6. Absurd. And it’s your fault.
Sour 16 voting is only open until Tuesday at midnight PT, so be sure to make your voice heard before the deadline. Or don’t. Whatever. Do what you want. This thing is rancid cat food now anyway.
Round of 64 (Part 1) — CLOSED
Round of 64 (Part 2) — CLOSED
Round of 32 — CLOSED
Sour 16 — Voting ends Tuesday at midnight PT
Hate Eight — Wednesday, April 1
Frustrating Four — Friday, April 3
Championship — Monday, April 6
(click to embiggen)
TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE REGION
No. 8 - Mobile Ads that Direct to an App Store
No. 12 - People Who Leave Comments Saying How Disinterested They Are
I’m personally peeved that No. 1 Suffixgate went out so early in the dance, so I hope you all enjoy Clash of Clans because you’re going to be asked if you want to play Kate Upton’s game every time you visit this place. Every. Single. Time.
No. 2 - People Who Make Up Ridiculous Names for Their Kids
No. 6 - Characters Who Act Dumb Just to Advance a Plot
The Sour 16’s best matchup pits Brinlysa Cinnleigh against the first four seasons of The Walking Dead. Really excited to see how this one shakes out.
No. 8 - People Who Use Their Phone in a Theater
No. 5 - Corporate-speak
Guys: I know someone talking on their phone during a movie is The Worst™. UNLESS IT’S GOING AGAINST COMPUTERIZED CALL SYSTEMS IN A PEEVE TOURNAMENT IN WHICH CASE THE LATTER OPTION IS ALWAYS THE CORRECT CHOICE! Jesus, people, you can stop someone from using their phone. Hands can curl into fists; fists can strikes skulls. A CCS is so infuriating precisely because there is no alternative. I hope Corporate-speak wins by fatality.
No. 3 - Losing Your Keys or Wallet
No. 10 - People Who Play Music Without Headphones
Losing Your Keys cruised past Leaving Your Cell Phone Ringer on at Work, 74-26, setting up a showdown with giant-killer People Who Play Music Without Headphones. This region’s No. 10 seed easily took our personal favorite Stuck Behind Someone Paying With a Check, which is wrong and should result in criminal charges.
L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOTT REGION
No. 4 - Litterers
No. 9 - Having to Create an Account to Do Anything Online
Me, after seeing the results of the No. 9 Create An Account Online vs. No. 1 People Who Won’t Turn Right on Red matchup, which the underdog won 74-26:
Like the dude who thought the Holy Grail looked like Flavor Flav’s cup, you choose poorly. This is garbage. I hope someone throws that result on the side of a highway.
No. 3 - Parking Across Two Spots
No. 15 - Getting the Middle Seat on a Flight
Is everyone who reads this site tall? How in the great fuck did No. 15 Getting the Middle Seat on a flight straight murder its two opponents by a combined score of 130-70? Doesn’t really matter, anyway. No. 3 Parking Across Two Spots is about to shove that glass slipper directly up the middle of its opponent’s asscheeks.
STUMPTAVIAN ROBOCLICK REGION
No. 16 - Not Turning Off a Blaring Car Alarm
No. 4 - People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane
Ah, the classic 16 vs. 4 showdown for the right to advance to the Hate Eight. The underseeded Car Alarms already dispatched a No. 1 and No. 9 seed with relative ease, but faces arguably its toughest test thus far in No. 4 People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane. The Slowskis convincingly defeated formidable 12-seed Cyclists Who Think Their Bike is a Car 63-37 in the Round of 32 and need just one more victory to advance to the regional final.
No. 11 - People Who Don’t Replace the Empty Toilet Paper Roll
No. 7 - People Who Say They Hate Something They’ve Never Seen or Experienced
Disappointing performance by the highest remaining seed from the Impatience Conference. Perennial powerhouse Waiting In Line couldn’t muster much offense against scrappy No. 11 People Who Don’t Replace the Empty Toilet Paper Roll, falling 58-42. Vote for its opponent — No. 7 People Who Say They Hate Something They’ve Never Seen or Experienced — at your peril. The Hate Somethings are clearly cheating, as evidenced by a 65-35 beatdown of No. 2 Running Out of Hot Water in the Shower.