First-round voting for the Pajiba Pet Peeve Madness concluded Monday. And what surprised us more than the results was your participation. Turns out you all REALLY like not liking things. More than 100,000 votes were cast in the round of 64. That’s, like, 100 times more than 1,000 votes.
Today, Round of 32 voting begins. The ranks are thinned by half, and generals and infantry alike litter the battlefield. A top seed fell to a 16. A No. 2 failed to advance. Just one 5-seed survived the onslaught from spirited 12s. You’ll have until Sunday, March 29th at noon PT to cast your ballots. Vote early, vote often, but most importantly, vote correctly so we don’t have to rig the results.
Round of 64 (Part 1) — CLOSED
Round of 64 (Part 2) — CLOSED
Round of 32 — Voting ends Sunday 12 pm PT
Round of 16 — Monday, March 30
Round of 8 — Wednesday, April 1
Final Foul — Friday, April 3
Championship — Monday, April 6
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TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE REGION
No. 1 - Suffixgate
No. 8 - Mobile Ads that Direct to an App Store
Suffixgate versus Mobileadgate for a spot in the Sweet 16. Do the right thing, people. No one wants Peevegate 2015 on our hands.
No. 12 - People Who Leave Comments Saying How Disinterested They Are
No. 13 - Commercials in Movie Theaters
Every tournament has a 12-5 upset. This one was a rout. Disinterested Commenters rolled into the second round, 78-22, where it takes on another dominant high-seed winner, Commercials in Movie Theaters. Holy shit, guys. What happens if someone leaves a comment saying how little they care about commercials playing in front of movies?!? AHHHHHHHH!
No. 6 - Characters Who Act Dumb Just to Advance a Plot
No. 3 - People Who Are Habitually Late
The TSW region’s No. 3 seed had to work surprisingly hard to outlast a weak 14 seed. Maybe all its backers showed up after the polls closed. Meanwhile, Characters Who Act Dumb rolled to a 65-35 win over Smashed Together Celebrity Nicknames (or “Smatocenic”) and seems poised to make a deep run.
No. 7 - Hyperlinks that Don’t Open in New Tabs
No. 2 - People Who Make Up Ridiculous Names for Their Kids
Suburban snowflakes took on urban public transportation in the 2-15 matchup, and Draven and Brylee live to get ridiculed for another few days. Yes, you made it clear that you’re annoyed when hyperlinks don’t open in a fresh tab. Yes, we know we’re a prime offender. We’ll get on that. (We will not get on that).
No. 1 - Computerized Call Systems
No. 8 - People Who Use Their Phone in a Theater
Overall No. 1 seed Computerized Call Systems justified its placement in the bracket by annihilating Musical Greeting Cards 87-13. The 16 seed out of the Hallmark Conference was just happy to be here. CCS faces a much stiffer challenge in round two: People Who Use Their Phone in a Theater, a peeve so egregious it turned one commenter into the Zodiac Killer.
No. 11 - Leaving Your Cell Phone Ringer On at Work
No. 3 - Losing Your Keys or Wallet
In one of the closest matchups in the one-week history of the Pet Peeve Tournament, Cell Phone Ringer narrowly beat out People Who Say “Epic,” 53 percent to 47 percent. Your cubemate’s seal bark text tone meets No. 3 seed Losing Something, which remains infuriating. HON, WHERE DID I LEAVE THE KID AGAIN? SHE WAS ON THE COAT RACK LAST TIME I SAW HER!
No. 5 - Corporate-Speak
No. 4 - Athletes Who Thanks God After A Huge Win
Strong 4-5 matchup here. Does The Lord™ care enough about this bracket to carry the No. 4 seed to victory over meaningless corporate gibberish? A paradigm-altering performance by Buzzwords could trigger a tipping point that dramatically disrupts the playing field going forward.
No. 10 - People Who Play Music Without Headphones
No. 2 - Getting Stuck Behind Someone Paying With a Check at the Grocery Store
Pajiba Pet Peeve voters apparently forage for berries and slay wild game with bone tools because the No. 2 seed in this region had ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TROUBLE BEATING A NO. 15! Office drones and public transportation riders galore helped People Who Play Music Without Headphones cruise to an
unjustifiably apparently winnable second-round matchup.
L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOTT REGION
No. 1 - People Who Won’t Turn Right on Red
No. 9 - Having to Create an Account to Do Anything Online
Wow, y’all HATE having to register to do anything on the Internet. So much that you created Disqus accounts to share your displeasure in the comments. BOLD STRATEGY, COTTON!
No. 4 Litterers
No. 12 One-uppers
These two combatants steamrolled the opposition, garnering 74 and 79 percent of the vote, respectively. Wonder what would happen if a bunch of garbage-throwers all tried to one-up each other? Tune into the first the Republican primary debate to find out.
No. 3 - People Who Park across Two Spots
No. 6 - Cops Who Run Radar at the Bottom of a Hill
Which vehicular transgression is worse? My two cents:
No. 15 - Getting the Middle Seat on a Flight
No. 10 - People Who Never Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee at Work
You guys serious with this? A 10 seed against a 15 seed for a berth in the Peeve 16? I crack my skull on doorframes and even I wouldn’t vote Middle Seat over SAYING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU MEAN! Goddammit, people. I’m not making coffee for a year. I could care less if you’re tired.
STUMPTAVIAN ROBOCLICK REGION
No. 16 - Not Turning Off a Blaring Car Alarm
No. 9 - Asking Someone “How Are You Still Single?”
True story: I finished seeding the bracket and realized I was short a 16. It was after midnight and I needed one peeve when some fuckrag’s car alarm went off for 10 minutes and woke up my kid. I was pissed and threw it in there on a whim. Of course, it EASILY toppled the region’s top seed en route to a showdown with How Are You Still Single?, the No. 9 seed that knocked off No. 8 People Who Order Something Not On The Menu at the buzzer (only 92 votes separated the two).
No. 4 - People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane
No. 12 - Cyclists Who Think Their Bike is a Car
The No. 4 seed? It’s a problem, String. People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane dominated its opponent so badly (92-8) Universal is using the game footage for the next Fifty Shades sequel. Because annoyances have more charisma than Jamie Dornan. #NotMyChristian. Disappointing tournament for peeves out of the English Language Conference — I Could Care Less and Using Literally Instead of Figuratively went 0-2 against lower-seeded competition.
No. 11 - People Who Don’t Replace the Empty Toilet Paper Roll
No. 3 - Waiting in Line
Things learned from the Pet Peeve Tournament: Pajiba readers are impatient, rarely grocery shop, and frequently duck walk from the bathroom to the nearest closet containing toilet paper. Big Data rules.
No. 7 - People Who Say They Hate Something They’ve Never Seen or Experienced
No. 2 - Running out of Hot Water in the Shower
Impressive performance by the region’s No. 7 seed in handing the powerful Vehicular Conference its lone first-round loss. People Who Hate Things They’ve Never Seen sodomized People Who Slam on Their
Breaks Brakes, 75-25. Seems like the right result. It’ll have its hands full with Running Out of Hot Water in the Shower, though. Wars have started over less.