The NCAA determined its men’s (ISIS) and women’s (UConn) national basketball champions earlier this week, but only 33 million people combined watched those two games because society chose to save its energy, passion and excitement for a more important showdown: the Pajiba Pet Peeve Madness Championship.
Sixty four gripes entered the tournament. Only two remain. On the left (quite literally) — No. 4 People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane. Infuriating. Dangerous. An aneurysm inducer. The Stumptavian Roboclick regional champ faced a higher-seeded opponent — No. 3 People Who Park Across Two Spots — for the first time all tournament, yet rose to the challenge with a 56-44 victory. This bane of suburbanites boasts a strong fanbase (hatebase?) and a unique ability to transform even the most mellow individuals into a frothing rage cyclone. A worthy contender for the crown.
On the right — No. 8 People Who Use Their Phone in a Theater. Inconsiderate. Baffling. Responsible for violent outbursts. While People Who Drive Slow took advantage of a relatively weak path to the title game, the Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeps regional champ defeated five favorites — including a No. 1 and No. 2 seed — in as many opportunities, and won its last four matchups by an identical 67-33 margin. So clearly you all have found some way to exploit a flaw in our voting process. Which I respect. Any chance you pull these same shenanigans in the GOP primaries to ensure Ted Cruz gets the presidential nomination? That’d be swell.
Title game voting stays open through Sunday midnight, with the winner — and a special version of “One Shining Moment” penned by one of our own — revealed Monday. Vote!
No. 4 People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane
No. 8 People Who Use Their Phone in a Theater