(Go to the Second Bracket)
It’s March. As a pop-culture website, we’re obligated to run some form of bracket-style tournament this month pitting popular Internet topics against other popular Internet topics in a clickbait-take-all showdown. Is this fun? Of course. Is the trend mildly annoying?
So we had an idea. A real “nexus of 1st and 1st” style humdinger: what if we created a tournament that incorporates the issues we have with needing to create tournaments?
Welcome to Pajiba Pet Peeve Madness, a 64-peeve single-elimination tournament where first-world problems and minor everyday irritations battle it out to try and become the year’s biggest annoyance. We’ve got vehicular peeves and work-related peeves, domestic and pop-culture peeves, peeves committed by humans and computers alike. If it bothers you, it’s probably here.
Today you can vote on the L’Carpetron Dookmarriot and Stumptavian Roboclick regions. Tomorrow, we’ll unlock the remaining matchups. Voting stays open through Monday at noon, with quarterfinal and semifinal rounds to follow in the next two weeks. By the time you determine a champion in April, you’ll probably be so sick of voting for these that we’ll become your biggest pet peeve.
L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOTT REGION
No. 1 - People Who Won’t Turn Right on Red
No. 16 - People Who Leave Floss and Toothpaste in the Sink
The road is clear for 1,000 yards in either direction. You’ll bowels are about to vacate your colon. The only thing standing between you and porcelain is a car who refuses to turn right at the red light. You shit yourself and rage as the light turns green seconds too late. Used floss is nasty, though. THERE’S ALWAYS A TRASHCAN RIGHT NEXT TO THE SINK JUST THROW IT AWAY!
No. 8 - People Who Never Say ‘Thank You’
No. 9 - Having to Create an Account to Order Anything Online
You’re starving and want to order a pizza from Papa Johns dot com. Forty-five minutes later you’re eating fish food wondering why a shitty chain needs your citizenship information and blood type to deliver a thin crust. Saying ‘thanks’ when someone does something nice is kind and respectful, DAD!
No. 5 - Name-droppers
No. 12 - One-uppers
“Hey, me, Jeets, Ye and C-Pratt shot hoops with the Wu-Tang Clan yesterday.”
“Uh, awesome, but I just asked if you wanted anything from Chipotle.”
“Whatever, me and the left shark played golf on the moon.”
No. 4 - Litterers
No. 13 - Not Being Able to Find a Parking Spot in Winter
There’s a brewery near me that’s insanely popular but only has enough parking for about three motorcycles. You can be 20 when you get there and legally able to drink by the time you find a spot. Infuriating. Seriously, why don’t th…HEY GUY! I KNOW YOU SAW YOUR WADDED UP MCDONALD’S BAG MISS THE TRASHCAN BY 12 FEET! YOU DON’T LEAVE TRASH LYING ON THE GROUND. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, COURTNEY LOVE’S EXASPERATED BOYFRIEND?
No. 6 - Cops Who Run Radar at the Bottom of a Hill
No. 11 - Commercial-Kickoff-Commercial-Punt-Commercial to Begin An NFL Game
Brutal matchup here. The opening 20 minutes of an NFL game is 12 seconds of action sandwiched between 58 Bud Light and State Farm ads. I WAIT ALL WEEK FOR THIS, HURRY UP! Yet few things induce more range than seeing a police officer parked at the foot of a mountain gleefully handing tickets to any driver unable to afford Brembo brakes.
No. 3 - People who Park Across Two Spots
No. 14 - Passive-Aggressive Facebook Statuses or Subtweeets
These are fun:
Person on Facebook: “Guess everything happens for a reason” (frown emoji)
Person’s Facebook Friend: “Aww, what happened love?”
Person on Facebook: “Oh nothing, don’t want to talk about it”
/proceeds to talk about it for 422 comments
Also, I wish the worms from Tremors existed and all they ate were double-parked vehicles.
No. 7 - Couples Who Sit on the Same Side of the Booth
No. 10 - People Who Never Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee at Work
Booths aren’t couches. We clear? OK. Also, I’m not saying I never make coffee at work. I’m saying I haven’t done it in three years.
No. 2 - People who say “I Could Care Less” and Insist it’s Correct
No. 15 - Getting the Middle Seat on a Flight
Words mean things. “Could not” and “could” are opposites and cannot be used interchangeably. If I said to someone, “You couldn’t be more stupid,” I’ve insulted them. If I told them they could be more stupid, though, I gave them a compliment. Maybe. Not sure about that one, actually. Also, I’m tall so the middle seat on the flight would be a top seed in my bracket, but Courtney is like 4-foot-negative-6-inches and I DON’T WANT TO EXCLUDE WOMEN!
STUMPTAVIAN ROBOCLICK REGION
No. 1 - Places that Only Take Cash
No. 16 - Not Turning Off a Blaring Car Alarm
Strong 16 seed, admittedly, but in 2015 there is absolutely no excuse for an American business not to accept plastic. I live in fear of being lost in the desert with nothing but an Amex, stumbling into a hidden watering hole only to die of thirst on the floor because the bartender won’t let me pay for my water with a card.
No. 8 - People Who Want to Order Something That’s Not on the Menu
No. 9 - People Who Ask ‘How Are You Still Single?’
“Hi, do you have shaved squirrel on the menu tonight? No? OK, would you mind asking your sous chef to find the nearest forest, club the first tree rat he sees and grill it up medium rare with a nice balsamic reduction? Yes, I know this is a Burger King but the sign clearly says I can have it my way.” Ladies, I have no idea how you deal with people lobbing that grenade in your face. If guys had to face that shit we’d wear a fake rings and tell everyone our wives are overseas fighting MUTOs.
No. 5 - People Who use ‘Literally’ When They Mean ‘Figuratively’
No. 12 - Cyclists Who Think Their Bike is a Car
I’ll repeat: words have definitions. For example, “GETOUTTATHEFUCKINROADLANCE,” when yelled by the driver of a two-ton Ford F-350, means that the cyclist riding a feather-light contraption built from bird bones should move his bike to the sidewalk post haste.
No. 4 - People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane
No. 13 - FX Shows That Last Longer Than 60 Minutes
Look, I enjoy most FX shows. But their episodes need to end within the allotted time slot. Otherwise, I miss the beginning of the local news, which means I have no idea what’s out there trying to kill me in the next 24 hours. HOLY SHIT, THERE ARE BOMB TRAINS JUST LOCOMOTING AROUND UNSUPERVISED?! Also, people: there is a fast lane, and a slow lane. If cars in the left lane are moving slower than those in the right lane, the entire system will collapse.
No. 6 - People Who Leave Shopping Carts in the Parking Lot
No. 11 - People Who Don’t Replace the Empty Toilet Paper Roll
Put the cart back in the store or in one of those cart stands scattered throughout the lot. Don’t leave it tipped over on a median or rolling toward a minivan. What the hell is wrong with you? Fifty percent of people who abandon carts eventually leave their families for an aging stripper with early-onset osteoporosis. Look it up. They also never, ever replace the Charmin when it’s gone. Even if there’s another roll underneath the sink.
No. 3 - Waiting in Line
No. 14 - People Who Say ‘Can I Ask You a Question?’
The 3-seed is self-explanatory. I don’t even like waiting to type the next sentence in my posts. QUIT SCREWING AROUND, FINGERS! YOU IN A FUCKING UNION OR SOMETHING!?! The “can I ask you a question” people just…come on. Ask, already. No, I’m not your father. Next.
No. 7 - People Who Say They Hate Something They’ve Never Seen or Heard or Experienced
No. 10 - People Who Slam on Their Brakes at a Yellow Light
Apparently some driving schools teach students to violently slam on their brakes the instant a light turns yellow. Why not? It’s not as though the ensuing 19-car pileup is legally their fault. I used to hate Wes Anderson movies. Then I finally watched one. I still hate his films, but at least now I know why.
No. 2 - Running Out of Hot Water in the Shower
No. 15 - People Who Stop to Look Around in Public Places
This might be the strongest two seed of the bunch. Hot shower cure fatigue, rejuvenate the senses and enliven the soul. Having that ripped away from you while you’re at your most vulnerable is a special form of torture. To the guy who feels the need to stop mid-walk and update his Spotify playlist in the middle of a crowded hallway: I hope someone comes to a screeching halt at a yellow light on your way home from work.