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Why I Drink, We're All Going to Die Spam Edition

By Alexander Joenks | Miscellaneous | March 3, 2015 |

By Alexander Joenks | Miscellaneous | March 3, 2015 |

Everyone, I have terrible terrible news to pass on to you all. I received a critical email last night, one that will change all of your lives if you are willing to heed its message. No this isn’t about the fact that I’ve received word that I am secretly a Nigerian princess. That turned out to be a cruel hoax. No, this is serious, and we’re all going to fucking die.

Here’s the email in its entirety:

A deadly gamma ray weapon threatens millions of Americans, the Pentagon says.

Russia, China, and even countries like North Korea and Iran are suspected to have it. And one of them is likely to use it in the next 13 months or less.

It’s a “code red” situation that can send us back to the Middle Ages with the push of a button. Grocery stores, hospitals, transportation, the entire internet… gone in a split second.

And with it, millions of Americans left in hopeless, utter darkness.

What can you do to protect your family from this 21st Century “Destroyer”?

Oh my god everybody else in the world has motherfucking death rays and the first thing I hear about it is from an email that my fascist email filter claims is “spam” and my jackboot antivirus software claims is “trying to play ‘Last Tango in Paris’ with your data”? Tools of the NSA trying to keep god fearing Americans from knowing the truth. Did you know that the Internet was a defense department project which is why they can read all your email through the implants in your teeth? Fluoride man, fluoride.

I’ve removed the links in that cut and pasted email, because frankly, I’m not convinced that there’s enough of this miracle product to go around and I don’t want all of you cashing in before I can dig up the gold in my yard and send it all to these great American patriots.

Here is a documentary revealing the terrible truth:

Honestly the fact that video’s only comment on YouTube is “screw you fear mongering scum” gives me a little hope for the human race.

But seriously, why are these guys bothering to try to con money out of people when they could make a killing writing Michael Bay scripts?