Friends, I can stand this no more, it’s time I speak my truth, which is this:
Ghosts are super cool. Vampires? Yeah, I can get down with them, just don’t kill me, please! Gnomes, goblins, fairies, brownies, and other assorted mythical woodland folk? Yes! The more the merrier! They are fantastic, and a welcome addition to any household or encounter alone in the forest when you’re lost and you don’t know your way. (Just don’t eat any of the food offered to you, ammiright?!)
However, when it comes to werewolves—keep your lycan habits to yourself, please and thank you.
Werewolves are the low-fat yogurt of the monster world, and it’s time we stop giving them equal footing to other things that go bump in the night.
You may be wondering why this, and why now? I think you all can appreciate when you hold something in for so long, it eventually needs to let itself free—and friends, not liking werewolves is that thing for me.
I grit my teeth whenever someone tries to lump werewolves alongside vampires, ghosts, and other ghoulies. There’s nothing worse than when you’ve all gathered around in a long-abandoned hospital, late at night, swapping ghost stories when invariably someone will try to bring up that one time a werewolf almost accosted them. Like … OK? Way to bring down the energy, friend.
Look, we all know that werewolf and vampire encounters in the wild are not nearly as common as ghost or general monster encounters. While I love the rare vampire story, a werewolf story always leaves me cold. Here’s why:
Werewolves are boring.
I mean, pretty simple, right? Vampires have the whole undead-and-only-able-to-exist-in-the-night thing going for them. A werewolf is an ordinary person about 26 days a month; they just change into a wolf-cryptid for a few nights a lunar cycle, and then murder people or turn them into werewolves also, just because.
I mean, OK … where’s the fun in that? Where’s the supernatural intrigue? I’m not impressed by a human morphing into a dog a few times a month. Sorry, not sorry.
Additionally, werewolf movies aren’t as good as vampire or ghost movies. There’s a reason why Bella ended up with Edward and not Jacob, people—werewolves can’t carry a film.
The Wolfman, An American Werewolf in London…is that all you got!? Granted, I will admit that that werewolf movie with Gary Busey is cool—but what movie with Gary Busey isn’t cool?! Gary Busey is the coolest! While Silver Bullet is good, Point Break is better—so bank-robbing surfers are better than werewolves. Do you disagree?
Sure, you may want to point to Warren Zevon’s song, “Werewolves of London” but unless you’re a Warren Zevon expert (and there’s not many of those floating around in this day and age) you don’t know if that’s the best he had to offer, bud. Next!
Now, you’re going to want to bring up Oz from Buffy, but friends, we’re not going to go there. He broke Willow’s heart and cheated on her with a fellow werewolf. Do you think that’s a point in werewolves’ favor? I don’t think so, pal.
Look, I feel the same way about werewolves that I do about low-fat yogurt, they’re entirely unnecessary. If I want yogurt and there’s only low-fat available, I don’t eat any yogurt because low-fat yogurt has a funky aftertaste that I don’t need in my life. The same can be said about werewolves.
And that’s what I have to say about that.
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