Wear Eye Protection
Authors Note: I would like to thank Cracked for their excellent and unsettling article entitled The 8 Most Misguided Attempts at ‘Sexy’ Videos on YouTube for the inspiration.
I would like to think that I’m a reasonably “with it” thirty-three year old. I would consider myself fairly up to date on most trends and hobbies of the younger generation including the Twitter and The Googles and the series of intertubes that run the Internets. I manage to peruse Pajiba on a daily basis so I think that I’ve proven that I’m not completely useless when it comes to technology. Of course that may also be because the neighbour kid used my computer once and showed me how a browser bookmark works. Later I showed him how a real bookmark works and he seemed confused and a little afraid of “all that paper.” Nevertheless, I will admit that I tend to be a bit behind when it comes to some things. Typically these sorts of items would include whatever terrible music the kids are listening to and the associated dances that are to be performed while having your ears skull fucked by a hack with an auto tuner. I find that this latest find is a perfect example of my ignorance as it came to light more than six months ago and is just now showing up as a blip on my pop culture radar.
I’ve tried to justify the following video in a number of ways ranging from “kids are stupid” to “maybe there are drugs involved” to the borderline offensive “that’s just retarded.” I’ve even attempted to fly into a rage about youth trying to destroy the world with their asinine ways and yelling at random strangers to get off of my lawn even when they weren’t. After careful consideration I have decided to evaluate this phenomenon with a more scientific process in an attempt to determine just why any male of the species would want to engage in the practice referred to herein as Dick Slangin’. Please refer to the video below and we shall attempt to discern just where society went wrong.
It’s quite obvious that Dick Slangin’ is the act of waving one’s junk to and fro while wearing pantaloons big enough to shelter the population of a small European village. It’s difficult to determine what purpose this behavior may have except that it may be for attracting a mate or general genital exercise. It is a display that shares many similarities with the Superb Bird of Paradise or the Frigate bird of Christmas Island fame. While it may warrant further study, I would then run the risk of becoming hypnotized and being rendered extremely susceptible to suggestion, one of which may be that I should participate in this horror.
If the purpose of Dick Slangin’ is indeed one of an attempt a procreation with a member of the opposite sex then we must question why it is done in a room full of shirtless men. I don’t mean to insinuate that this activity makes any of these men a homosexual as, every homosexual male that I know would rather be stranded in a sea of breasts and vaginas with no hope of rescue than engage in such behaviour. That’s not to say that they wouldn’t enjoy a sausage party — but I believe most would rather appear less, well, flagrant in their love of the male member.
Therefore I must deduce that the only true purpose to Slangin’ that dick is to attract a female with the end result being to engage in the act of copulation with the goal of “knocking the bottom out of that ass.” This raises two important questions: 1) What type of female is attracted to flaccid members that look like a hamster caught in a rucksack and trying to escape and 2) what thought process were the gentlemen who created this mating display employing to come to its inception and how would that lead to the attraction of a mate?
The answer to question one is blatantly obvious. Given that there are no women present in any of the videos that I found available on YouTube, I don’t believe they exist. Perhaps the young lads are looking for that single solitary female who prefers a phallus flapping fantastically in her face. I would suggest that those women engaged in the pornography profession might be an ideal candidate for this particular kink, but those members tend to be of the turgid variety as opposed to the soggy egg roll these young men are bandying about. Therefore, since their existence cannot be proven, I am forced to assume they are not present. At least in North American culture. The lack of evidence to the contrary does seem to support my theory in this regard.
Question two is far more difficult to answer. After hours of consideration, scienc-y stuff and the consumption of the tastiest of liquors, I have come to a conclusion that this phenomenon may best be illustrated by what I have determined must be the conversation that took place between a couple of individuals involved. Please keep in mind that this is a theory only.
Sausage 1 - I say old chap, I could go for a spot of the old in out, in out this evening.
Sausage 2 - Right-o, old boy! A bit of the naughty box step would be quite cracking after a long day. Whom shall we call with our proposal?
Sausage 1 - Well my old son, I’ve dialed every potential candidate in my telephone directory and all have given me the old shove off!
Sausage 2 - You don’t say. It would seem to appear that the locals are a bit stodgy when it comes to the possibility of casual copulation. Perhaps it’s time to bring some new blood into the mix?
Sausage 1 - Cracking idea, my friend, but how shall we attract these birds to our harem?
Sausage 2 - Hmmm, that does seem to be a dilly of a pickle now doesn’t it?
Sausage 1 - I’m confident that if we put our heads together that we can come up with a viable solution.
Sausage 1 - Eureka, I’ve got it! We shall develop a new dance that will display our obvious assets to the fairer sex. One which leaves the female of the species unable to resist such a demonstration of our suitability as a mating partner.
Sausage 2 - Genius! Sheer genius! But what type of mating display shall we perform? Perhaps that of the Bowerbird where we shall construct a glorious display and jump up and down erratically to attract a mate?
Sausage 1 - No, no, that simply will not do as we don’t have the materials needed for such a construct. I was thinking something more along the lines of the male Hooded Seal. We could inflate something and make loud noises to attract an ideal specimen.
Sausage 2 - But what have we to inflate? Surely you don’t propose that we affix a balloon to our craniums and make loud barking noises in the hopes that someone will wish to fondle our meat and two veg?
Sausage 1 - That’s it!
Sausage 2 - Seriously? A balloon?
Sausage 1 - No. The meat and two veg! We shall gather a group of our closest companions and create a dance wherein we swing our tally whackers from side to side in large pants to highlight both girth and length. We shall also be shirtless. Yes, shirtless with a lovely sheen to accentuate out musculature. Then, we shall post it one the internet for the world’s women to see. We will be positively swimming in what the Americans call “tang.”
Sausage 2 - I’d like to say that I was with you, old boy, but this proposal does seem somewhat homosexual in nature Really, a room full of shirtless men swinging their bollocks about all willy-nilly? Preposterous!
Sausage 1 - No, no, my good chap. It’s like American footballers in their tight pants and patting of rear ends. Perhaps is seems a bit poofish at first glance, but upon further inspection, it is undeniably masculine. In addition, we shall do things with our hands which appear to be gang signs so as t appear “hard core” as the less refined would say.
Sausage 2 - I see your point. However what shall we do to avoid an instance of meat-pole on meat-pole violence?
Sausage 1 - You mean spontaneous docking? I should think not, my good lad. There will be a thin layer of fabric preventing penetration. It will be thin enough to highlight our bulbous members yet strong enough to prevent any errant insertion.
Sausage 2 - Hmmm, yes I think that could work. But what if a toddler or small child should walk into the room and be struck in the eye by an out of control disco stick? I’d hate to hurt a child or be exposed to any potential liability for such an issue.
Sausage 1 - We shall lock all the doors so as not to be disturbed during what will no doubt be a long and sweaty display of our manhood. No child shall come betwixt our swollen batons and their sultry, yet manly, dance.
Sausage 2 - Right then! What shall wee call this display of virility?
Sausage 1 - Dick Slangin’.
Sausage 2 - Dick Slangin’?
Sausage 1 - Dick Slangin’.
Sausage 2 - Well then, it appears you’ve thought of everything. When do we start?
Sausage 1 - We already have, my boy! We already have.
Thus, we see the evolution of seduction.
Robert Scott is not a scientist, nor is he a Dick Slanger. He does, however, recommend wearing approved eye protection on any occasion where one may be exposed to the violent swaying of wang.