Upon Closer Inspection. . .On Second Thought, No, F*ck You, No Thank You, Not Today.
You’ve been there, right? You’re rewatching a beloved film from your youth and you notice something a little…off. I’m not talking about the emotional darkness that stalked many of the films of my childhood. I’m talking sex. Sexy things where sexy things don’t belong. Maybe you were at home when you noticed, a little gobsmacked and puzzled. The best, though, is if you’ve ever caught one of these moments when watching a re-release in a crowded theater. Surrounded by the gasps and squeals and titters of fellow adults at the sign of such apparent FLESH. For example:
The Little Mermaid (G): Ariel rooting around completely pantsless in front of her little critter friends. Um…don’t eat the crab dip.
Jurassic Park (PG-13): Dr. Ian Malcolm’s oddly greased torso and lothario pose. Yup that’s how I like to recover from a near-mauling.
The Neverending Story (PG): Atreyu’s Sphinxes and, later, the Southern Oracle. I thought it was supposed to be HEAD of a human BODY of a lion. Is that what lions look like? Have I been watching the wrong Discovery Channel?
Labyrinth (PG) : Bowie’s now-famous bulge. Yes, yes, Sarah, we know, it’s not fair.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (PG): I can’t even post this photo. The fact that it’s a thing really bothers me. Click here if you must.
The point, my friends, is not that these images exist or that they exist in so-called children’s films. The point, really, is that while it’s sort of fun to smirk at them as adults they mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to children. So when parents get their knickers in a twist (and they do, oh trust me they do) about a pair of stone knockers on a Sphinx, I get pretty f*cking riled up. Have you taken your child to a museum? It’s wall to wall stone knockers there, my friend. These images are doing NOTHING to damage your children. I call shennanigans on anyone who says they were “scarred” by Bowie’s pants goblin as a child. You were NOT. You had NO idea. And that Roger Rabbit thing? That is ONE screenshot that you have to work REALLY hard to find. And then what have you found? Some shading? Well-done. So snicker away. Hell, I’ll snicker with you. But don’t try to pull that “inappropriate” crap. Not with me.
Full disclosure: No one has ever complained about Jeff Golblum’s torso, to my knowledge. That’s because it’s made of chaos theory and spice and everything nice. I just wanted to share it with the world. And titter.
Joanna Robinson apologizes for the shady quality of two of these screen grabs. She felt fairly greasy trying to nail down the exact image and didn’t want to linger and tinker with the definition. BOWIE’S PACKAGE NEEDS TO BE CLEARER! No.