The Golden Globe nominations were released last week and, despite a few eye-rollers, they were largely expected and deserving.
Well, Bob Dole and I want to know: where’s the outrage?
I don’t know about you (yes I do—I see into your very souls right now, and also into your window, and, for the love of god, put that away, ya filthy animal) but I love being enraged by entertainment news. It fuels me. It fuels this site. THIS. IS. PAJIBA. We run on pure rage, like an angry Prius of bitch and scathe (great for the environment; bad for Brett Ratner). And when I am denied that which I so desperately crave, I get sadface.
(seen here: sadface. She cries sometimes, like Morrissey.)
So, let’s imagine a magical unicorn world full of fist shaking “NOOOO!”s and foot stomping “fuck this shit!”s. Like Jesus intended. And, while we’re at it, let’s throw in the award they actually deserve.
Best Movie Without An Ending. Literally None Whatsoever. The Movie Just Kind of Stopped: The Devil Inside
Best Movie Featuring…Wait, What the Fuck Did They Do To My Dolly Parton? YOU BUTCHERS!: Joyful Noise
Best Movie Featuring the Completely Uncredited Voice of Laura San Giocomo Except For That Was Totally the Voice of Laura San Giocomo, You Guys: Haywire
Best Movie Celebrating Delicious, Delicious Human Flesh: The Grey
Best Actor Without a Face: Sam Worthington for Man on a Ledge
Best Actor Who Has Almost Spent His Last Dime of Credibility and Better Hope That Matt Damon Collabo Works Out: John Krasinski for Big Miracle
Best Actress To Drop a Monster Deuce All Over the Memory of a Legend: Lindsay Lohan for Liz & Dick
Best Movie That Was Totally Terrible, I Mean, I Didn’t Secretly Love It So So Much At All *hides well-worn Bluray*: The Vow
Best Actress That Is About As Funny As a Curb-Stomped Kitten and 2012 Tried So Hard to Make Happen That I Think It Shat Itself: Chelsea Handler for This Means War
Best “You Guys, I Don’t Get It”: Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
Best Actress Who, Seriously, What Pictures Does She Have of These People?: Megan Fox for Friends with Kids and This is 40
Best Movie That Actually Broke My Spirit Because It Was Such An Affront To Everything Good In This World, That’s How Much I Hated It: The Five Year Engagement
Best Movie To Be Ironically Titled “Total Recall” Because I Have No Recollection of it Actually Coming Out: Total Recall
Best Movie That Would Have Gone Straight To DVD If Its Star Hadn’t Died, Meaning They Were Super Stoked Their Star Died: Sparkle
Best Did I Mention I Hated Five Year Engagement? Because I Hated Five Year Engagement?: Five Year Engagement
Also, Honey Boo Boo.